Contemplative

I hope this is going to be a moderately long post and i get to put down everything that is swimming around in my head at this point of time. First of all, updates. I'm officially done with school, done with 15 long years of education and feeling a little numb but glad its over. I know i didnt do well for at least 2 of the papers, but at this point im just glad its all over.

Sometimes i feel disappointed at what i've attained over the past 4 years in terms of grades. If my gpa doesnt drop any this semester, its still not enough to attain a cum laude. True i probably havent spent my entire waking hours devoting my life to studying, but with the peers with the awards and scholoarships getting swanky jobs 1 by 1, its hard to remain focused on the old adage that grades arent everything. Agreed, but they certainly help u get that foot in the door. What else do i have, no sporting glory, no notable achievements. And while we are on foot in the door, it begins to dawn upon me that even when i did get my foot in the door, somewhere along the line, i stopped believing in myself. Dont know when, dont know how. I realised that deep down i felt mediocre.

Perhaps im just not smart enough, not hardworking enough, not devoted enough to what i'm studying. And when i look back over the years, i realised that there are modules that i did try, i tried freaking hard and i wasn't rewarded for my efforts, maybe i studied the mod wrongly, or i just screwed up. And then there are modules that i just didnt get, like accounting. Or modules which i set myself up for failure by doing last minute work. So many have beens, have nots.

But having said that i'm at peace with whatever grades i have now, realise its too late to change anything and even if i could i probably wouldnt have changed anything..well maybe except taking that finance major instead of a political science one. But that mediocre mindset, its a thing of the past, i've buried it. Its now dead. Because i have people who believe in me, and most importantly, God does, and he has a perfect plan for an imperfect life.


My papers ended on wednesday and i've been out clubbing, shopping and even been into malaysia today. In fact i almost died while waiting in line getting my passport stamped at the incredibly inefficient and overcrowded because i had this splitting headache for 2 days and the buses were spewing fresh carbon monoxide into my face and hundreds of people were breathing out carbon dioxide within metres of me.

Since i had this long running headache, and watching the sixth sense on tv, which incidently happens to be one of my favourite movies, i had a thought, what if i had a tumor in my brain and i had a month before the lord takes me home.

Who would i want meet, what would i say and what would i do. While taking that last breath the night before (assuming i go quietly in my sleep) who would i want to be by my side, holding my hand and telling me everything is going to be alright. Not going to mention that names that come quickly to my mind, but its good to know who you are and remind myself why that person is important to me. And before i go, what would i say to each of these people that would impact their life, that even if the persons life doesnt change radically, i would be glad if they remembered the words of a friend, son, lover, brother before he drew his last.

A common phrase pops up among the words spoken to friends and lovers.


'Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me.

Revelation 3:20 - New American Standard Bible


But it pains me to know that in that list of people, there is at least one who probably wouldnt care to turn up, not even if it was to fulfill that last wish he had.

Everything in its time

Corrinne May - Everything In its time

Sometimes i wonder what lies ahead
How long til my hunger is fed
They say it's hard to make it in this part of town
so many people on this merry-go-round

Some folks try astrology
Some turn to crystal balls
To find an answer
To get through it all
I just fall on my knees and i try to pray
in the silence i can hear Him say

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time

I often feel like that i'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
why i should give up
But i'm stubborn in the things i believe

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to the patience and watch for the sign

'cause maybe there's another plan
One i still cant see
A little surprise, like your love in your life
Funny how time changes how we see

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to the patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time
Everything in its time

Final Lap

"last chance to study for exams, try to enjoy it."

-Quote of the week-

Can't wait for next weds.

the words elude me in the exhaustion.

my blog needs some pictures

Times are bad

Meiyan sent me this picture. Courtesy of sean and dex @last day of sch where i wasnt there. damn.

Where i want to be at now.

Bright shiny morning

Its been awhile since i bought fiction and perhaps it might have been a spur of the moment buy but i bought james frey's latest, Bright shiny morning. Impressed by his writings of a million little pieces and the follow up, My friend Leonard, i decided to just buy this one without reading any reviews whatsoever unlike what i usually do before buying anything.

Watched gran turino in iluma near bugis. Didnt disappoint at all. One small gripe about the movie is thatl it lacks the pace of million dollar baby which eastwood directed some years back. This grizzly old man is damn good, who says old men are useless.

On another note, its officially the last week of school and im really looking forward to april 17th the day when all this ends.

This morning i woke up and decided its going to be a productive day. I have to. Just that blogging isnt exactly serving that purpose.