Christmas gifts

Probably irrelevant post coming up. I would like to gripe on Christmas gifts for myself. Rules for buying Christmas gifts.

1. Dont buy a gift unless you really know that someone(dont waste the money and dont waste the space in the guys house, he probably doesnt like it and he has to fake it.)

2. If u absolutely must, then buy something that you can actually use and wont be embarassed to use it (example household things)

3. Do NOT buy clothes because if that someone is particular about what he wears, like me, you are going to get it wrong and he wont wear it and he cant give it away either. Well, unless you know what i like but i would say there are only 2-3 people who can figure out with 75% accuracy what clothes/accessories i like.

4. As much as it may seem attractive, DO NOT RECYCLE unwanted gifts. Well not unless they are damned nice/expensive but you are just have no more space for them anymore.


So for me, gifts that i would really appreciate even if u dont know much about me.

1. Books. (Good novels) ---> NOT harry potter and the like(no offense)
2. Tech stuff(i'm always too lazy to buy them even though i like them)
3. PC games. (with a >90% rating on PC gamer) I haven't bought a game for few years.
4. DVD box set of movies.

but of course if u can impress me with getting me clothing/anything related to appearances that i actually like then full marks.

Btw i dont usually get people christmas gifts, heck, i dont even get people gifts when im back from holidays, but when i do you can be sure i put 101% effort into it.

Feliz Navida

First of all,

Merry Christmas to everyone!

I declare that putting your relationship status can quite possibly be a bad choice. I was reminded of this fact when i saw one of my friend's declare that her relationship was over with this other guy. Well, it may be nice to announce to the world that you 2 are in love and have just begun a journey of love but when it comes to an end, changing that status can be more painful than the joy of putting it there in the first place. Not to mention announcing to the world that you have just broken up with so and so who might be a mutual friend of whoever is reading it, come to think of it, the facebook database now has a record of your broken relationships. It also leads to questions on how to end the relationship (example: "is this your way of officially ending our relationship?") How is someone supposed to do this anyway?! So what you wait for one party to say 'Ok this is enough, time to take this status off facebook' and the other party says the exact same thing as quoted in the above example.

Well to each his own.

But dont say i didnt warn you before you put up the relationship status with that pretty/handsome young thing on facebook.


being slightly random tonight,

to all you people who write xmas, do me a favor and change it to christmas because ultimately this is a day when christ was born, so dont replace that with an x. Never noticed that until couple of years ago when this was pointed out in church.

Snowflake

Tomorrow i hope to have a new chapter of my life. I'm coming home, physically and literally. I am so unbelievably tired physically and mentally after this whole trip, it feels like i could sleep for days. It snowed today for the first time and the night before im leaving. I could almost call it last snow instead of first snow. It was so beautiful, the snowflakes drifting through the air landing softly creating a thin layer of soft snow all around. Have you ever noticed a perfect snowflake up close? Its intricate structure, its alluring softness, the beauty of it? Yet when touched with the bare hand, it melts away leaving nothing but a drop of water on your hand. Blame the strange fascination or ignorance on someone who has always been in a tropical country. Tommorow i am going to meet you for the last time. But i dont think i want to. I dont want to read that letter you have for me. Its all already so clear.

And today someone told me 'I deserve so much better.' I was inclined to agree for awhile but after thinking about it I realised that i got exactly what i deserved and i can blame no one for it, no one but myself for my own foolishness.

Annyung, na eh sarang.

1 Day before departure. Well i thought about writing this at night after seeing her but i guess i'd better write it now. Not so sure if i want to put it in writing after tonight. I changed my mind i dont know what to write anymore. Or rather what is there left to write? I know when i go back it will probably be the last we ever see of each other. I know that when i'm gone you wont be thinking of me, you're much too busy for that anyway. I dont want to break down today. I dont wanna turn around today and see her after we wave goodbye. But i think i will.

I hope that i wont be thinking of you when i'm gone.

Annyung, na eh sarang.

Goodbye, my love.

Alone for a day

I guess i should blog since im back earlier than usual, today was shopping day and i did a lot of damage. Well more specifically, i bought..... a shirt, pants, bagpack, tshirt today and i wont go into the specifics it cost about....140,000 won which is about....150+ sgd. Well i havent shopped much prior to this so i guess its ok. Strange though that the tshirt is the most expensive item in the list. But for people who know me well enough, its normal. Had a whole day by myself and i must say that i was quite productive even though i left the hostel late as usual. I visited noryangjin fish market which is quite amazing even for an asian market because its ALL seafood and lots of types that you wouldnt see in singapore. Heck i even saw 2 lemon sharks in the fish tanks swimming around. I would say this has been more fascinating than any aquarium that i've been to and i've been to the one at COEX in Seoul. But if you arent fascinated by seafood or fishes then....give this place a miss. Its kinda wet and fishy. Its funny how i got a comment from a korean auntie at the fish stall that i have pretty eyes in korean. HOW COME I DONT GET THAT FROM BABES.

Anyhow after that i was off to dongdaemun to haggle and bargain for my stuff and i think i achieved a feat today cos i pissed off the shop owner by doing some 'excessive bargaining' but after all i dont think i got the best deal leh. Oh well. After the whole day of shopping i was off to apjujeong to buy my tee and drink my new favourite drink from this cafe chain called beans and bins(dont ask me why the name is so odd) The ice green tea latte is awesome and went perfectly with a portion of murakami. I'm beginning to like travelling on my own. (save for the fact that i spent excessively today)

Be back in sg soon. Next tues.

i kinda miss our local food.

Ah after a pretty long absence away from my blog, its time to blog again. Perhaps its a little too much free time on my hands, or perhaps it just the need to write to put some thoughts in order. Well since the last time i was speechless maybe i can finally pen down some of the things that are swimming around in my head. Maybe. I just paused for about 2-3 mins before writing this and i dont even know where to begin. Lets start with feelings despite how they are usually an inaccurate and terribly irrational way to start explaining anything. Currently, im numb like a patient who is permanently on morphine, constantly aware of the pain that lies beneath the effects of the drugs at work. Not that its a bad thing, beats constant pain hands down. Well, occasionally there are sharp pangs of pain that lasts no more than a couple of minutes like when she gets a phone call which could be from her bf, or when i say something stupid only to realise that this isnt what it used to be anymore, or when those horrid sweet dreams of both of us come to me at night, and that really gets me down. I think those dreams are a side effect of me suppressing the thoughts to a far flung corner of my mind. I'm a little pissed that i have been having those dreams quite often and it really needs to stop if i'm to move on. Nevertheless, life goes on and i'm moderately happy to say that i achieved at least half i wanted to come here for.

By writing this i realised that i need to accomplish the other half of what i came here for, that is to hear the truth of it. I was deliberating if i should before this, and the pointlessness of it all from hearing whatever meaning there is to 'i just dont love you anymore' or 'i never really liked you anyway' and the endless why's and why not's. Then i realised that the dreams i have of her might continue recurring if i dont hear the truth. So i think its something i have got to do. I didnt spend all this money to come here to get things half done. The only question is when should i ask and how shld i do it.

speechless

speechless

I just realized that my blog url is an irony indeed. a big fat one

utterly, totally, completely

I just heard something from a friend that really shocked me. I suddenly realized how insignificant i am. I'm glad you know what you want in life. I'm glad your direction is as clear as glass. I'm glad you got what you so desire, and i'm glad this just gives me one more reason to come to my senses. But i'm sad i had to hear this from a friend. I'm sorry i am just being a burden, something that stands in your way. Don't ask me what i am writing about. I'll talk for hours. Lets just say maybe i might need a map in Korea after all.

In a way, i can hear the small nagging voices of, 'i told you so'

and to respond to them

I just had to know, i just had to see, and even if it kills me, so be it.

Because after all

I still

feel for you.

Finally.

Its been a hectic week and finally things are quite settled, ready to go on my trip, met up with the pri sch people, bought stuff. Thanks to all the people who helped me out on everything this week and listened to my crap.

Its kind of surreal that i should be seeing her tmr morning. And i'm excited but a little apprehensive. I dont know if i take another parting 2 weeks later.

At least i'll enjoy the weather for sure:)

Solo flight to korea!

Be back on the 23rd. Ciao.

CNN.com

Update! Thai prime minister forced to step down after being proven guilty of rigging votes in the election. I dont care anyway BUT its good that the yellow shirted protesters are finally happy and leaving the airport. Now the red shirted guys are pissed but who cares. Thai airport set to be opened on thursday.

However still dont know if the flight is going to go ahead on monday. I hate this limbo.

and to make everything a little more interesting, my desktop just died.

what is going on man.

saving grace of the whole week, A+ for labor econs. LOL.

Sense of purpose

Is something that i've been a little lacking after the exams. Blame it on job rejection, sheer apathy, holiday mood and perhaps a little too much dota.

Just read more news.

Good news: the protesters in thailand have left parliament building
.
.
.

Bad News: They are headed for the 2 airports to shore up numbers there.

WTH

Dear God

Dear God,

It suddenly hit me. My flight passes through Bangkok for a transfer. Please stop the people from protesting in Thailand. Please get them out of the airport. Its very important to me. Probably more than anything else i can think of right now. I wish i never had this premonition. It looks like its coming true.

I need to leave. Please let me go.

PISSED

I just had to post this despite it being 5.10 in the morning. Well i got home late today basically at about 4.45a.m after dropping some friends off after theo's thing.

Well apparently my dad called at about 3.30 while i was driving and asked where i was, firstly i was appalled that they were not in bed and fast asleep, and i answered on the way back.

BIG MISTAKE. what should i have said was, oh i'm sending some friends back i'll be late dont wait up.

So when i got home at 4.45(note this post isnt about griping about sending you guys back) i had a pleasant surprise waiting for me.

Furious moms. Not good. She was camping and waiting for me i swear. The moment i shut the padlock on the house door, it was like sealing myself in for good. She emerged from the room and a flurry of words were hurled at me starting with WHY ARE YOU SO LATE.

I think what really enraged me was couple of sentences into the argument she actually commented why must you send your friends back. I WAS SO PISSED at that point of time and i usually try to avoid arguments especially at 5am in the morning but this really was like a slap on the face. i DIDNT get the point she was making. Finally, my dad ended the argument with a comment that next time tell us if u are not coming straight home we were worried.

Alright. Point taken. WHY MUST WE TALK SO MUCH COCK WHEN ALL YOU WANTED TO SAY WAS THAT

but. I know. Its more than that. Its more than being worried. ITS THE CONTROL FREAK in my mom thats talking. She just cant admit it.

and that just makes me MORE PISSED.

wow i haven't been so pissed in a long time.

I regret to inform you you regret to inform me

Mixed feelings now, firstly good feelings cos i'm finally done with year 4 sem 1. Big big YAY. This day almost felt like an eternity to come but well now that its all over i'm glad to say i survived even though today's paper kinda killed me.

The next part of the feelings isnt so nice and it starts with reading this in my email.

"'We regret to inform you that after careful consideration, ....blah blah blah...SLP."

I thought i did decently well at the interview but maybe i wasnt exactly what they were looking for, or some totally zai guy got interviewed too and got it. Well cant let something like this get me down because....after all.....

ITS THE HOLIDAYS NOW! I'm going to take the weekend of from the job search.

just got to get down to looking for other options later. urgh.

chanced upon this quote off a random blog.

“Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes... just be an illusion.”

indeed, indeed.

USTUTUTUTUTUTUT

The post below does not reflect my view but i found it quite amusing. its taken off a random forum


"First they kill off D.L. Hawkins, leave the Hatian alone because his powers pwn, then they wanna kill Utusu?

I mean really, we have Obama as president already.


They should have just knocked out Knox since he's the bad guy if they had to choose. Bring BACK Utusu!

I don't know if it has anything to do with that? I hope not.

I just don't think they should have killed Utusu. Especially the WAY they did it too, it's like watching that journalist getting beheaded in that terrorist video. What did he really do to deserve it? Really?"

HAHAHAHA

Quote of the day

"I trust Berkshire Hathaway while 78-year-old Mr Buffett remains at the helm. The only thing that worries me is that he may have a shorter expiry date than his options."

- taken from an article on FT.com

Finally, 1 more paper. At this point of time its a real battle to get myself to work even though this is probably the most horrendous subject this semester.

But, i must.

Its probably going to feel surreal once im over with the exams at noon tmr.

Facebook

Recently seen on someone's facebook status

- ********* has such a small dick that he feels inferior.

random pictures

Redang Island, Malaysia 2006














12 Apostles, Great Ocean Road, Melbourne Australia 2002















Kakadu National Park, Darwin, Australia 2007














Somewhere in Bangkok, Thailand 2005




















Gronigen, Netherlands 2008

SMU Grading scale

A= Ah okay la
B= Bad
C = Cock up
D= Die

Therefore, nothing less than an A is acceptable. I don't see people jumping for joy when they get an A but i know a person was PISSED cos he didn't get A+. :)

Please note: the title of the post is smu grading scale not mine.

Everything

Its never good to dwell on the past but i guess reminiscing doesnt hurt. With a sudden pang, i miss everyone back in graz. It just seemed like yesterday.

My crazy housemate claudio the drunk animal, ignacio the destroyer, the legends.

Matt and eva the crazy tall short dutch taiwanese couple

Henrik ever welcoming and hospitable

Hiroko, Megumi the very interesting travel companions

Meindert, Jamie, Ondra

Jieun.

The travelling

The frisbee and lawning in stat park

The daily dinners

The cooking the supermarket shopping

The cycling with the wind in my hair

Studying the night before the exam

Knowing it wouldnt matter

The nights on my balcony with a cup of hot tea

The friendships

The turkish shop, Billa, Hofer

so many other things

and her.

and all of a sudden i'm back in my air conditioned room in singapore.

I'm blogging too much its unhealthy.

John Chapter 8

There was once a woman who was caught in adultery. The world looked upon and scorned her and judged her. They wanted to kill her for her sin, to stone her, publicly. They asked Jesus, what should we do with her. He wrote on the ground with his finger but they persisted. He answered "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone." There was an awkward silence. One by one the crowd dispersed and Jesus was left with the woman. Finally Jesus asked "Where are they? Has anyone condemned you?" "No, not one." the woman replied. To that Jesus replied. "Neither do i condemn you, now go and sin no more."

-John Chapter 8-

Feeling Unproductive

I spent the whole day at home today and i didnt get much done. Tomorrow i've got to get up at 7.50am to go to church which is about 4 hours of sleep since its 3 plus now and since i figured im getting so little sleep anyway, i might as well blog a little.

Anyway the english language is a sad language, there are so many words to express sadness yet relatively few to express happiness. Note that this isnt my own hypothesis but rather from my professor so if you are interested to find out if thats really true, go ahead but offhand there seems to be some truth to that statement.

Talked to a friend today who was having troubles in her relationship and she had this sad nickname on msn which said " A million reasons to leave, only 1 reason to stay." But that 1 reason to stay gave her enough strength to carry on, to ignore all the signs, ignore all the hurt that she felt inside. This girl endured a lot of crap from her bf, almost too much for me to stand by and watch but i'm not in any position to judge or take any action. Stupidity on her part to continue being unhappy in this relationship, maybe. But such is the power of love, it shoves rationality aside and just consumes you not allowing any other thoughts to occupy your mind. She comments "I dont know what to do without him" I am left speechless, i have no more comforting words, all i can do is listen.

She sighs and says i wish i could be like you. So rational and so strong.

I'm not.

i can give advice i can offer a listening ear but that doesnt mean i behave rationally under the same circumstances. I've been there before.

The song playing on my player is a familiar one.
Its a song with a happy ending to it but it has these words in between

"Now i know what a fool i've been, but if you kiss me now i know you'll fool me again."

Such is the power of love.

Havent we all been there before?

I hope so because we havent truly lived until we've loved someone like that before.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

I'm in school right now and for some reason everytime i study i get this headache which feels like someone is pinching my forehead and there is this dull ache in the front of my head. It cant be that i'm using too much brain power, the stuff i'm doing isnt that hard for now. But it certainly is irritating the heck out of me. On to other stuff, WHY IS THERE ALWAYS RENOVATIONS GOING ON IN MY BLOCK ABOVE ME.

9a.m. BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

*wakes up*

noise stops. BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

9.05: Fumbles around the table for ear plugs

9.10-9.40 Bad sleep interupted by bouts of BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

9.45: finally drags myself out of bed.

And this isnt the first time that this is happening. This crap happens every 6mths to a year i mean how often can these people renovate their homes??!!

Well i should wake up early anyway but i'm not really a morning person and nothing important never got accomplished waking up early.

I

Stained glass masquerade
Perfect unbreakable sunshine
Painfully perfect behind Venetian masks
I’ll have one on too

Know my intimate demons within
Gnawing hiding unleashed
Grotesquely familiar to me
I’m the very thing I hate

As sure as clockwork the performance plays itself out
Keep it on long enough and maybe I’ll fool myself
Am I the only human here

Three times is one too many
Eye for an eye
Where is fairness in the last blow
I’m all alone in my fight of faith
For who can see the emptiness beneath

Love the world too much
Gaze upward
Trust and wait you would say
With swirling death pain and hurt
How can I believe you?

I decided to post this because my prof kirpal actually liked my work. Today was my interview with him and speaking with this man somehow lent a sense of depth and perspective to my writing and about the things that i have experienced and will experience. In the coming month i'm going to have to make a lot of decisions and i hope i'm going to have the wisdom to handle them all.

Aaaaaaasshhhhhhhhh

I've been putting in record amounts of work over the past few days and its giving me a headache, havent studied so much in a long long time. haha. In any case, there is always time for rest and relaxation and i happened to come across this piano piece on youtube of one of my favourite chinese*gasp* songs for a couple of reasons. Well listening to this just makes me feel how would it would be if i didnt give up those music lessons that my parents tried to impose on me a young age. Probably one of the things that i really wished i would be able to do is play a musical instrument or rather specifically guitar/piano/sax. You could say that sure i can still learn it now but i think the opportunity costs are much higher now. okstopwhining.

About school, prof has just cancelled a review session and somehow i'm semi pleased with that despite the fact that additonal revision is probably a good thing for me.

Oh someone proposed to his gf during starry night last week, glad to see that some SMU students are looking further ahead into their happiness other than just going to the library and mugging their semester away. But thats exactly where i'm headed to right now after this.

Aaaaaassssshhhhhhhhh.

Looking forward to the hols in dec man.

Back to work

After all that prep, i'm glad the interview went reasonably well i think and the questions that were asked weren't all that tough but maybe it was because i was quite relaxed, i think it was one of the interviewers who really put me at ease. Which is a good thing of course. Well, its over now and i have to get back to the books. urgh. I'm hoping for a second round but i'll just have to wait and see till next week on how that works out.

LABOR ECONS HERE I COME

Very very important day tmr.

In the midst of preparing for exams, the prospect of a getting a job has never been more pressing and because of that, studies have been shoved aside at least till tomorrow to prepare for the interview. A team of 9 probably hiring one or two persons, probably a whole bunch of bright graduates vying for the same job, what are the odds?

Even getting this interview is a blessing man.

If i nail this job, you can be SURE its something more than me at work here.

Fingers are crossed!

Shouldnt be blogging

I'm sitting in the school library procrastinating on my labor econs project presentation which is due tmr but i just don't feel in the mood for it now. Maybe i'll be in just about the time i'm done with this post. After slacking for a royal amount this semester, its finally dawned on me that if i dont do crazy mugging every day i am probably gonna get shitty grades this semester so i guess its a good time to start - week 13. haha.

Theres a light rain pouring outside the window and i dont want to go home just yet,

and suddenly, i don't know what i wanted to write this post for.

Be back later when i think of it.

Something Humid, Something Cool.

Thought i'd post something i wrote in kirpal's class(we had to write a poem with that title) BEFORE I start working on portfolio quiz at 1a.m.


Something Humid, Something Cool.

Mirrors and mist

Self is lost in the heavy humidity All

Attempts to eradicate my life of the unclean

Essence of myself flowed down the drainpipes of time, Forgotten

Anticipation, for the new me to sharpen

Wiping the returning blur, Impatiently

Its not time

Alas, when its all over

It isn’t me I see

Of what passion used to be.

Lost

Complicated dreams fade with the morning
Snow falls like ashes scattered over a battlefield
Memories of a summer in flames

Soulless eyes wide open
Nothing returns from the dreamscapes

Foolish desire tempts me

Choose to enter the door of truth
Vivid images flood the world
Drowning out all in its wake
Too sharp
Too piercing
Too painful

Open my eyes

Maybe its better this way,

Lost.

School and more

3a.m and i'm blogging.

Its week 12 around me and the people around me are dropping like flies to the strain of SMU workload. Me? For some strange reason i rise above the ashes relatively unperturbed by the ongoing chaos that unfolds around me. Sure i get a little disgruntled by the bazaar that miraculously appears outside level 3 of econs block, with tables being dragged out of the study rooms to the corridor, amazed by friends who survive on miniscule hours of sleep, spoil market people going for interviews in suits, applying for jobs which have applications that have a whole load of crap to answer, with skill sets as diverse as almost anything under the sun that you might as well ask for someone who is just good in every damned thing and a whole host of things that trouble the average SMU student. I could rant about those things written here for all its worth but that would just be wasting time.

But other than those minor annoyances, well everything goes pretty much as per normal, i get my 7 hrs of sleep, i take a nap when i get too tired, i do random shit like watch kindergarten cop at 1.30am on HBO just because arnold movies make me laugh. Oh almost forgot- i also do my projects and term papers and study for my quizzes. I dont particularly pride myself for being the efficient kind but somehow i seem to have quite a bit of time on my hand and its worrying sometimes.

As much as i dont like being a sucker for peer pressure, the proximity of datelines and exams in 3 weeks time is starting to irritate me, like a persistant mosquito buzzing in the ear on a hot summer night.

Well but when i get down to serious work, nothing really distracts me (once msn is off) other than the occasional thought of you.

Ah next semester, final semester. I think i'm going to go out with a bang with the crap that awaits me next sem.

1. Corp Reporting
2. Management Accounting
3. Urban Economics and Real Estate
4. Entreprenuership and Business creation

Nasty stuff.

I've got to give credit to wenhoo for this since its directly plagarised off his blog although its not written by him but from the musical Avenue Q.

There’s a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There’s a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know ’til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.

There’s a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

Nothing could be further from the truth - even if its a bunch of muppets singing it.

i guess this rings true too

commonly heard phrase - "You can cheat some people all the time, you might even cheat anyone sometimes, but u cant cheat everyone all the time."

but i guess this rings true too

"You can be brave in front of everyone all of the time, but u cant always be brave when you are all alone, all of the time."

I GOT SO SCARY MEH

I was walking back home at around 9pm and i just managed to catch the lift at the first level of my block and there was a middle aged woman inside the lift. THE MOMENT i stepped into the lift and pressed the level to get off, she got out of the lift. I bet she was scared that i would rob her. I almost laughed.

I GOT SO SCARY MEH.

Amusing nonetheless, its a first.

On another note, i can scarcely believe its week 12 of classes next week. Time is just going too fast.

19th Century Poetry

Fare Thee Well by George Gordon Lord Byron

Fare thee well ! and if for ever,
Still for ever, fare thee well:
Even though unforgiving, never
'Gainst thee shall my heart rebel.

Would that breast were bared before thee
Where thy head so oft hath lain,
While that placid sleep came o'er thee
Which thou ne'er canst know again:

Would that breast by thee glanced over,
Every inmost thought could show !
Then thou wouldst at last discover
'T was not well to spurn it so.

Though the world for this commend thee ---
Though it smile upon the blow,
Even its praises must offend thee,
Founded on another's woe:

Though my many faults defaced me,
Could no other arm be found,
Than the one which once embraced me,
To inflict a cureless wound ?

Yet, oh yet, thyself deceive not;
Love may sink by slow decay,
But by sudden wrench, believe not
Hearts can thus be torn away:

Still thine own its life retaineth,
Still must mine, though bleeding, beat;
And the undying thought which paineth
Is --- that we no more may meet.

These are words of deeper sorrow
Than the wail above the dead;
Both shall live, but every morrow
Wake us from a widow'd bed.

And when thou wouldst solace gather,
When our child's first accents flow,
Wilt thou teach her to say " Father ! "
Though his care she must forego?

When her little hands shall press thee,
When her lip to thine is press'd,
Think of him whose prayer shall bless thee,
Think of him thy love had bless'd !

Should her lineaments resemble
Those thou never more may'st see,
Then thy heart will softly tremble
With a pulse yet true to me.

All my faults perchance thou knowest,
All my madness none can know;
All my hopes, where'er thou goest,
Wither, yet with thee they go.

But 't is done --- all words are idle ---
Words from me are vainer still;
But the thoughts we cannot bridle
Force their way without the will.

Fare thee well ! thus disunited,
Torn from every nearer tie,
Sear'd in heart, and lone, and blighted,
More than this I scarce can die.

Creative writing class makes you appreciate poetry. Kirpal would be proud to know his student actually reads poems after his classes.

craving.

After saturday morning classes in school and working on EDA paper for a whole day, yesterday was one day where i actually felt productive. So tired at the end of it that i slept in till 2pm today, despite setting the alarm at 10am. Im trying to get the damn EDA paper done with asap so i'm going to get down to it right down to it after this and a good shower.

I was walking back home and i wondered if its possible to have an extremely strong craving for something which you never were addicted to or even tried?

Yes apparently, because i feel like i need a smoke.

random

Quoting from Mr Arnold Kling,

"But the economics profession for the past thirty years instead focused on producing stochastic calculus porn to satisfy young men's urge for mathematical masturbation. Economists ought to admit that we do not know much about what is going on today."

HAHA. Finally, someone with the guts to write about how practically useless economics can be. What we've REALLY been doing is developing models to fit the data. And when some new crisis or when theres some changes to the macroeconomic environment, heck just build a new model! Sigh.

On another note altogether its deepavali on monday so i have make up classes on a saturday morning. How annoying is that.

Now time to get on that EDA paper which i've been procrastinating with.

-grunts-

blank

I cant sleep after reading what you said.

I dont know what to say, i dont know what to do. Except this.

미안해. 미안해. 미안해.

사랑해.

당신을 사랑하지 않을 수 없습니다.

한별 내가 생각하는 사람은 오직 당신에.

But if you ask me to stop, i'll try.

给我的一切 你不过是在敷衍.

Got a quiz tmr for portfolio management but somehow im pretty calm considering how much more i need to put in before im ready for it. Recently i've been strangely tired and exhausted without doing much and i couldnt figure out the reason until a couple of days back. I'm mentally exhausted, but not from work or school. Never knew this could sap so much energy.There are mornings when i know i have more than my required doze of shuteye yet i insist on going back to sleep because i know once i wake up i have to deal with all the shit again. Its mostly about you disappearing without a trace.

You know i think im beginning to get a grip on why people committ suicide, its because they cant take the voices in their head, the doubts, the uncertainty, the pain and hurt. I know what its like, the relentless assault on the thoughts and everything just leads back to the grief no matter what you do. Oh no im not becoming suicidal or anything because i'm stronger than that. Today in church i heard something thats just rang true, grief or guilt keeps you from seeing God. Just as Peter couldnt tell it was Jesus at the shore calling out to them, i guess im in that state now, blinded by my grief. Grief. What a word to use, usually spoken when loved ones perish, a broken marriage, and well, shattered dreams. But i can think of no other word to use, because thats really how i am now. So i put on a mask, so few can see past the mask to whats within.

feels like

给我的一切 你不过是在敷衍.

Feels like Max Payne

Watched Max payne the movie on thursday. Well, i played the game years ago and it really was an awesome game of its time which revolutionized the gaming scene with its dark themes and film noir story not to mention bullet time which is the slow motion action sequences. But the purpose of the post is to talk about the movie. Im not going to do any spoilers here for those who havent watched the movie so dont worry about that.

First of all, in terms of how the movie follows the storyline and environment of the game, it does quite a good job in that aspect, with the snow always swirling around a dark and gloomy new york city. The basic essence of the show is similar to the story line although a tad less dark than the game. Somehow the game portrays a Max who is more tortured about the death of his wife and kids than what Mark Walhberg does in the movie. Mark plays a pretty good max payne but in my opinion Max payne is cooler than mark maybe its the lack of a trench coat on mark. The movie starts out a little slower than expected given that after the first act of the game its almost all guns blazing kind of firefight but i suppose this helped to develop the story line a little. I missed the film noir kind of experience i got from playing the game. But thats not that important, i felt what was lacking was really the lack of bullet time in the show. No im not asking for half an hour of bullet time but the only scence where there was bullet time was between him and a random thug, which is disappointing considering how fun the gameplay becomes when bullet time is used in big firefights.

Overall, definitely watch it if you have played the game, and yeah watch it anyway even if u havent, just bring someone along who has played the game along just in case. Overall, pretty good stuff considering the shit that usually comes out from making games into movies. Thumbs up.

Couldnt resist adding this

Before (relatively normal)












some moments later(look at TTG's pose even if u dunno who is TTG can guess, hes the only guy with a gay pose)

This goes out to you guys.

Today i was supposed to blog about Max Payne the movie but given that its 3am now i cant be bothered to write about that. But today i feel compelled to at least say a few words or more than a few words about army. Its crazy to dig up stuff thats almost 4 years old and revisit the memories but thats exactly what i just did when i found our charlie battery ORD video. After watching it again (yah bo liao right) i just felt that despite all the comments i've heard that army is such a waste of time etc etc to me i think that experience in there really shaped the person i am today and with the friends i've made in there i really dont think i could have developed that kind of friendships outside of the confines of kranji camp.

I've met so many types of people in there. Ah beng ah, cheater ah, smart people(relatively, ah u read my blog dont let it get to your head), dumb people etc etc. But today i want to thank you all for all the experiences, all the memories that i had in that span of 2yrs 4mths. I've made a couple of really good friends whom i can talk to about anything and everything under the sun. We all have our flaws and i know that with you guys i can talk about anything yet still be accepted. I saw the pictures of all of us on exercise, in the bunks, at the damn garage and when i see all of the smiles in the pictures i know the smile on my face is real and i really enjoyed the moments with you all.

Reminiscing about army days, it just reminds me when everything seemed so simple, no jobs to worry about, nothing else to care about other than revellie timings, canteen breaks and nights off. But at every stage of life when we look back it all seems so simple, because its over.

And i dont know why but i'll remember this phrase that i heard for a long time but never got to shout it out in army during marching

YI YAH OH YA FUCKILERY YAH
WE ARE THE MEN FROM THE SAI KANG BATTERY AH
(repeat x10)

okok just kidding its this one

Hey you all shout shout and echo what help him la

and to the person that said that, thank you. i'll remember it for as long as i live. You'll never know how much your words and actions can impact other people's lives.



Milo warriors.























Wallaby 2004, at burger king. OJC, me and glong.


















and of course the class ross paper bag face.

random ramblings

Finally got off my ass and started applying for jobs after weeks of procrastination. To my horror and dismay i realised that some of the applications have already closed. Yes, blame myself, blame the ignorance and procrastination. Oh well the game theorist in me is trying to convince me that less options can be better than more options. At least now that im finally done with the cover letter and all it makes doing applications much less of a chore.

oh randomly, i'm going to go sing gay songs with uncle tan and chong this friday. woohoo.

I'm currently working on a project for labor economics module on why Americans work more than Europeans when i came across this even more interesting piece of information.

"By far, workers in South Korea have the longest work hours in the world. The average South Korean works 2,390 hours each year, according to the OECD. This is over 400 hours longer than the next longest-working country and 34% more hours than the average in the United States." South Korea and Japan are the only countries where death by work or "karoshi" (過労死) is a recognized phenomenon."

That explains a lot.

I thought a bit about you today and i'm glad i can remember those memories like they were yesterday. Hope to hear from you soon. But i doubt you even read this anyway.

Dreamscapes

Last night i had a dream. There was a girl in my dreams she wasnt spectacularly beautiful, average looking. We walked and talked all the way back to her place. She wasnt a particularly engaging conversationalist either. I had no idea why i was walking her home late at night. I dont know what made me do it but i offered her my msn email. Then i woke up. It was a face i had never seen before. The face that seemed so vivid in my dreams i just cant remember it now, only that her face was so sad looking. Maybe i'll dream of her again tonight and ask her whats going on.

I never used to dream everynight. In fact dreams were a rare occurence and they usually came when i thought too much of something during the day. Recently however, the dreams come every night. They are rarely ever nightmares, but queer dreams that leave much to be interepreted. Sometimes the dreams are so interesting that i try to continue the dream for as long as i can. I lie in bed trying to go back to sleep. Sometimes i try to search for answers in the dreams when i wake, what did the dream mean? I fear having to wake up and knowing that the dream doesnt exist here in the real world. Not that the dreams are of paradise or of something thats really happy but somehow they are just surreal, pleasant. Funny thing is sometimes the dream is so vivid, so real but the moment you get up and wash your face, you cant remember a single thing anymore. But every night i am grateful i can escape once again to the world of dreams and knowing for that 7 hours or so they are the happiest times of the day.

Maybe thats why they call dreams dreams, you can chase them, you can think of them, but u can never understand them, you can never live in them.

The Fear of Lizard

Quote: "Work late at night, got to face all this fear of LIZARD. Now theres 2 of them! I can hear them moving around in the dustbin when i play the piano."

Lolrus. How come i never see any lizard. I think these lizards can sense fear.

Office of Career Services(OCS) PLEASE STOP SPAMMING ME. I know you have my cell phone number but please dont happy happy sms me and KEEP REMINDING ME to go for my career talk after i signed up for it. I get 2 smses everyday to remind me to go for the event. WHAT IS THIS MAN. On on another note with the economy so bad you can almost sense the desperation of OCS in making every single one of us go for these events and i think its working, because im going cos they sent that first sms to my phone.

Ok time to go for the event.

巴黎鐵塔

In light of the recent political events in the US,

















Officially in the midst of midterm break and i still have yet to get down to anything really productive and im listening to a lot more chinese songs than usual. Somehow chinese songwriters are able to convey emotions and thoughts in songs much more than english writers, not sure if its just the language or that chinese people are way more emo than the usual english pop stuff you hear on radio's nowadays. Nevertheless, its improving my chinese i think since i cant understand half the song by listening to it im always looking at the lyrics and going to google translate. Not sure why i can be bothered anyway considering my previous lack of enthusiasm for the language anyway.

Recently been listening to 胡彥斌 reccomended by kay key am im quite instantly a fan. Well, especially this song.



On another note eva asks me to stop listening to this type of song sometimes i feel she has a point. 3 ways to deal with things, either drown in sadness till it becomes so normal, act or at least try to be happy and one day you will believe it, or drown yourself in work of course. Or it could be just as simple as waiting for a long time and one day you will wake up and be free from whatever plagues your mind.

Well, i've started this running thing which involves running to pungol jetty in the middle of the night and its fast becoming one of my favourite places to just sit there. Pretty long distance in to the jetty but its quite peaceful just to watch the lights of the malaysian port reflect their orange and white lights on the still sea. Bad thing is that going there and back takes almost 2 hours counting the time stoning at the jetty. The wind is good and with a good dose of music on its quite therapeutic. Somedays there are a couple of people fishing there, somedays there are people like me standing there all alone who knows whats on their mind, somedays theres a couple there wrapped up in each others arms and well somedays theres me there in my running attire plugged in my ipod staring into space listening to the wind.

On one of my wanderings of the mind i thought of something i wouldnt mind doing for a long time. I thought of opening a smooth jazz bar/cafe next to the sea. Lack of ambition? Maybe. Just the thought of it makes me relaxed and if i didnt need to think about making money its probably something i would do anyway. Listening to the smooth tunes of saxaphone, piano, guitar just leads me to a state of relaxation especially when accompanied with a dose of sea breeze, moonlight reflecting of the water. Brings my mind back to croatia where i saw the most beautiful view of the moonlight on the almost perfectly still sea to a backdrop of millions of stars.

Been asked to write a 1500 word paper entitled - Why i want to be a writer. My paper ends with these lines which someone commented was quite drama.

Just as writing is an act of creation, sometimes it comforts me that I create, when within me, I’m destroyed.

For me, that’s the reason why I write.

I wish i never had to write this paper.

Cant concentrate at all

I finally understand how much you loved me.

I hate myself that i put you through that.

I hope you are feeling better now, because i'm not.

I cant imagine the pain you felt when i said those words.

I can only hope you will move on and find someone who deserves you as much as you deserve him.

I am sorry i cant be that person.

I am sorry i cant take back the words i said.

I know how it feels like to love someone and not get anything in return

the 3 years spent with you were happy ones.

Dont know when i'll ever be ok again.

I search for answers everywhere but there are none to be found yet.

过往温柔 已 经被时间上锁
只剩 挥 散不去的 难 过

Concentrate damn it.

Seriously, office politics.

Today something interesting happened. I came back home and mom talked office politics with me. First of all i think office politics is about some people EQ damn low and some people dont know how to sit back and chill. I mean seriously if your boss come and niao you about taking a half day leave on the spot with an email but still approves of it then why get so pissed off about the whole thing? Why not just take it and leave it? NO. cannot must reply and say thank you and cook up some story about urgent leave and then get so worked up about it. Then boss reply say takecare and then now you also reply telling her to takecare too while cursing and saying shes a hypocrite. Freaking nonsense man. If i just dont talk so much say THANK YOU AH then go for your leave la. Seriously. Cant wait for office politics 101 when i start work man. woohoo.

ok i should be sleeping rise and shine at 8.30 tmr. ouch.

Midterm Break

O Glorious mid term break.

Where shall we travel to? Sail the high seas, laze on the beach, eat and shop,or see the autumn leaves fall?

Alas, no money.

Ok just finished my one and only mid term today and i am so sick of EDA been studying that damn thing for the last one week. Now to focus on the projects and the other subjects. Theres a church wedding on saturday for Joceyln and its the first of my friends getting married. Its a sign im getting old. Nevertheless the thing about weddings that you have to attend without parents is that.... YOU have to pao ang pow. Sian. Especially when you are a student.

Nevertheless, congratulations Jocelyn. Have a blessed marriage!

I think im gonna sleep early tonight. Guten nacht.

EDA Midterm at 3.30pm, now blogging, watched 2 episodes of heroes last night. Speaking of heroes, the Mohinder is really wtf.

But as always i need something to get me going in the morning, its extremely difficult for me to pick up my books in the morning other than days when i have exams first thing in the morning of course. Next week is term break and damn i wish i was going somewhere out of town but as of now nothing has materialised due to low financial resources. Then again i've done nothing really significant or worked extraordinarily hard this semester so far to deserve a trip yet.

Couple of days ago i learnt an important lesson, and one that i probably should have learnt long ago, which is to know when to shut up.

Ok this blog post has served its purpose of waking me up. Blog again later.

Poetic Justice

Smile for me

Oblivious to all in your own world
Radiant smile absorbed
Explain to me the source
Wonder and fascination
Stare I must
You must know the secret
Exchanges of secret symbols
No one can comprehend
Can I learn to smile that way?

Lost Forever

Feel.

Can’t remember anything of the past
Struggle and fight the demons
Bring the images
Bring the sensations
Bring the feelings
Bring them back

I don’t know if I want to.

Close my eyes
Too painful to think
Too sharp to touch
Too clear to see
Sinking heart

Stop.
Memory is better this way

Wrote both of them in yesterday morning under the duress of handing in 5 poems by the end of this week. Nevertheless both of them were inspired by real events.

I Believe

Its one of those days when the whole day is filled with nothing but grey skies. I've noticed it for 2 days already, cant see any nice clouds or blue sky, just a grey covering of clouds over the sky. Stayed in the whole of today due to a queasy stomach causing me to skip this morning's class which i contemplated going for half an hr in bed and finally decided not to go for fear of aggravating the bad stomach. Factoring 4 hrs of sleep last night made the choice a rather obvious one.

And suddenly someone enlightened me that i just might be being played. But i dont want to believe you're that kind of person.


No matter how boy bandish this group sounds like, i still like the song. Its called 'I believe'.

Blue ocean strategy

Today i actually managed to put in a certain amount of work done for projects at least i settled my outlines for them. Had a damned full dinner at pungol (HOW DO U EVEN SPELL IT?) marina and went to check out a prawn fishing place nearby before heading home. I used to do quite a fair bit of prawn fishing when i was a kid or rather a teenager and i rather enjoyed it but the prices of fishing in ponds are getting appalling, honestly. It costs 15 bucks/hr and i dont even see any people catching anything after sitting around for some time. Back in the days we averaged maybe a prawn every 3 mins or so at it was real good even if u had to pay to fish! But the best part of fishing was bringing the catch home at 2am at night and by dad would cook the prawns with butter and garlic and eating them at 3am. Awesome stuff.

Recently i've discovered using winamp is a great way to get streaming music and my favourite radio station is SKY Fm which is THE most popular station for smooth jazz. Bad thing is i realised i cant work properly when im listening to that station it just gets me too too relaxed. So i started listening to...of all things..trance. Its rather amusing considering i never really liked this genre of music before. Dont get me wrong, i dont actually like it now but i just find its great music to work to because it doesnt put me to sleep, it doesnt tempt me to sing along or listen to the lyrics cos there are none. So yeah. Puts me a state of trance when i study, just that after 2-3 hrs of trance anyone will need a break man.

Im also reading a damned popular book called Blue ocean strategy and its really a good book so far! Certainly gives me more ideas for opening a business.

But first, I need a blue ocean strategy for my life. ;)

Once a cynic

End of the school week. Its one of those blog posts where i know i want to write, write about something but somehow theres a block in my head somewhere that stops me from going on. Why is it that i love writing? Perhaps its a creation of something when something inside is being destroyed. Maybe if i keep writing this post will actually turn out to be some intelligible.

I thought i could hold out from contacting you and waiting for you to do so. I thought. A friend told me today that she always needs someone beside her (meaning her bf) and i started wondering about you today. I know i cant be there beside you right now and i know it isnt fair to you and i really wish i could be beside you. But i cant, at least not right now. I wonder if all girls are like that, they always need someone beside them. Im inclined to believe thats true based on past experiences, talking to female friends. Its really not an unreasonable request and i think it makes perfect sense. Yet irrationality clouds my judgement and mind. I mean it thought i used to be like that, how can someone be together with someone when they are miles away and the next chance of meeting is so distant, so far away.

But you changed that view.

You turned it all the way round and now i'm staring at the exact thing i didnt believe in the face.

I never saw anyone on earth whom i could call my angel on earth. When i look at you, i cant help but be amazed. A calm serene beauty. When im with you nothing else really matters and everything of the world fades away. It really not a common feeling to feel but i'm pretty sure there are people who have felt exactly the same way as me.

and to all you people who are in long distance relationships. I salute you. (I know of more than 5 just thinking off hand) Love your partners everyday, think about them, do something loving for them, because really love conquers all. I've seen it with my own eyes.

or the cynic in everyone could just attribute it to a severe bout of irrationallity.

After all, i was once a cynic.


I'll end off with a picture from Rob ryan.

Quote from course material

"This is a fairly boring and tedious paper, and is intentionally so."

Fairly representative of that subject anyway.

24

Decided to take a break between work to blog about random things. Birthday just passed yesterday and no i don't feel any different from what i was before, just another day, another day older. For some reason I've never been a birthday person and nothing to get excited over just another day on the calendar but nevertheless thank you to all the well wishers from all over the world! Especially to the first person who sent me a greeting at 12am on the 15th. It means a lot to me.

To me birthdays are meant to be shared with a loved one and i always have this image in my mind of being beside a special girl on my birthday with a cake, just the 2 of us. A quiet affair in the house, jazz music playing. Her beautiful smile more radiant than the candles that light up the cake. No need for presents or gifts, because none are necessary, just being beside her is enough.

Its an image that sticks with me when i think of how i would like to celebrate all of my birthday's. Never had that experience before though.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On another note i had a presentation in school on monday where the prof gives marks for participation when students ask questions after the presentations given by fellow students. So as usual there are some jokers who love to ask for the sake of asking and asking stupid questions and one of my friends actually remarked something loudly thats worthy of being a quote in my university.

"STOP PARTICIPATING LA"

haha. damn good.

and today had a lecture where the prof was confusing us while the lecture notes explained everything so clearly and this poor guy in class in his attempt to understand by listening to the prof asked a damn weird question and the same friend remarked

"stop listening. *** just confuses everyone."

Been on both sides of the coin before, but perhaps just one too many times.

Probably the first semi busy week of the term with it expected to get busier by the week. Papers and projects starting to surface and 1st presentation of the term expected next monday. Not that the work load compares to the level of work i had before i left for exchange but the work load combined with nagging thoughts of the future and job applications leaves me wondering about the road ahead and which path to take. Overseas job? Work for some financial institution? Set up business?(this one looks like the most attractive path) At the same time working/living overseas is something that i really want to experience again. Decisions decisions decisions.

Everytime i talk about this to friends i get this sense of burden weighing down on me although i have no idea why. Perhaps its the fear of settling for mediorcity, the fear of losing it by setting of on the wrong foot.

Being random here i really miss the cool/cold weather up north. The feel of the wind on my face as i cycle around town, to school. Plugged into my ipod listening to some smooth jazz. Ahh...Bliss. Sometimes its the simple things in life that brings so much joy. Or maybe im just a simple person after all.

On another note, im taking this module on creative writing this sem just to fulfill my general arts electives and seriously its the slackest class ever. Every week we just write a poem to hand in the following week, no projects, no presentations. So the schedule for the last 4 weeks of this class goes something like this.

Week 1: Lesson starts 3.50(note the prof is 20 mins late, not that i mind) ends at 5.15 (lessons are suppposed to end at 6.45)

Week 2: Lessons start a little late and at 5 we head to the national musuem for a walk for some inspiration for our poem. Head home after that

Week 3: class Cancelled! woohoo

Week 4: Class starts some what on time and ends at 4.15pm because prof bought us tickets to watch a movie for our next poem

HAHAH damn shiok.

ok see i ended this post on a happy note.

기다리다

어쩌다 그댈 사랑하게 된 거죠
어떻게 이렇게 아플 수 있죠
한번 누구도 이처럼 원한 적 없죠
그립다고 천 번쯤 말해보면 닿을까요
울어보고 떼쓰면 그댄 내 마음 알까요

그 이름 만 번쯤 미워해볼까요
서운한 일들만 손꼽을까요
이미 사랑은 너무 커져 있는데
그댄 내가 아니니 내 맘 같을 수 없겠죠
그래요 내가 더 많이 좋아한 거죠

아홉 번 내 마음 다쳐도 한번 웃는 게 좋아
그대 곁이면 행복한 나라서
싫은 표정 한번 조차도 편히 지은 적 없죠
그대 말이면 뭐든 다 할 듯 했었죠

천년 같은 긴 기다림도 그댈 보는 게 좋아
하루 한 달을 그렇게 일년을
오지 않을 그댈 알면서 또 하염없이 뒤척이며
기다리다 기다리다 잠들죠

나 언제쯤 그댈 편하게 볼까요
언제쯤 이 욕심 다 버릴까요
그대 모든 게 알고 싶은 나인데
언제부터 내 안에 숨은 듯이 살았나요
꺼낼 수 조차 없는 깊은 가시가 되어

그댈 위해 아끼고 싶어 누구도 줄 수 없죠
나는 그대만 그대가 아니면
혼자인 게 더 편한 나라 또 어제처럼 이곳에서
기다리고 기다리는 나예요

Maslow's hierarchy of needs

For the people who have no idea what this pyramid stands for.

"Maslow's hierarchy of needs is often depicted as a pyramid consisting of five levels: the four lower levels are grouped together as being associated with Physiological needs, while the top level is termed growth needs associated with psychological needs. Deficiency needs must be met first. Once these are met, seeking to satisfy growth needs drives personal growth. The higher needs in this hierarchy only come into focus when the lower needs in the pyramid are satisfied. Once an individual has moved upwards to the next level, needs in the lower level will no longer be prioritized."

Hence according to this theory, if we have problems with self esteem or self actualization, then the easiest way to stop thinking about it is to go back to basics and ensure that your safety and physiological needs are compromised. Not recommended in the long term but in the short term probably works out fine to stop thinking about other stuff. So for the people having trouble with love and belonging, just make yourself hungry, drink little, dont shit, dont sleep, sooner or later u wont be thinking anything about love or belonging. :)

The weekend flies by even quicker when you are working, i spent 2 days crammed in a room full of fanatic ladies whose only mission was to buy some shoes and blow some serious cash on shopping. There was a queue outside the place where i was working before i even got to work. Insane. My legs are pretty dead after 2 days of running around and standing for the whole day. In any case, its decent money for the weekend given the weak balance sheet i have currently. Got a quiz tmr for portfolio management *shrugs*

Something snapped, somewhere.

I think i've changed, something inside of me has snapped. I cant exactly say what is it thats changed in me. But something has. Faith that used to be so strong, faith that used to make sense of it all.

That faith is still there, but something has changed, and i think its the scars of brokeness.

No matter how many times hope is shattered it can be rebuilt, albeit slowly piece by piece but the scars always remain leaving behind a fragile equilibrium. Now all thats left is to trust God and leave it in his hands, and know that he is good. I know not his purposes but his ways are higher than mine.

Heal me o God, for i am broken before you.

I give you money, cut your hair.

A pleasant wednesday evening, an all too familiar scenario unfolds.

Mom: "Eh i give you money, you go cut your hair"

Me: "???? what for i'll go cut it when i feel like it la

Mom:"Your hair is so long, your face is so sharp your eyebrow so thick, not nice la"

Me: Why must you ask me to cut my hair?? its my hair afterall

Mom--> Looks at Dad. "You tell him, say something dont just sit there"

Dad: 'yah your hair so long better cut it'

Dad: Hes an adult, we can only ADVISE him to cut his hair, if he doesnt want to do it there is nothing we can do

Mom: Yah but its so long etc etc etc blah blah

Me: omg its not like my hair is green and punky or something why cant i just leave my hair

walks away from the television and back to the room.

Damned ridiculous.

WHAT IS WITH THEM WANTING ME OR RATHER ADVISING ME TO CUT MY DAMNED HAIR.

sigh.

ENG003

My class this semester allows me to write and this is assignment one.

Within my heart lies
relics lost in time
Safe from the world
behind these glass walls
Revealing secrets long past
Past hurts lost loves
The feelings kept untouchable
Never to be forgotten

Raining again

It just doesnt stop raining at this time of the year. When i left the house to get to school it was raining, when i came back home from school it was raining. No it was POURING. The weather here is horrendous, even after the rain there isnt a fresh scent of the trees refreshed after the rain but a warm humid dampness in the air and the land all around making me feel stifled. On another note, i've become an incredibly good stoner after coming back from exchange, together with a couple of friends the daily activity is sitting around pick and bite for about half an hour doing nothing just idle chat and moments of stoning. Not particularly productive but relaxing nonetheless.

I've been going crazy these few days thinking about some stuff or rather trying not to think about some stuff. She disappeared again, not sure how much more of this i can take.

its raining inside of me too

Kiss the rain. First heard it on exchange and fell in love with the song.

Daily thing

Never really took to blogging but somehow this is becoming a daily thing now, perhaps its too much time on my hands. And the lack of motivation to engage in potentially more productive activities leading to a proliferation of useless thoughts. Like the one in the picture below.

Isles of Capri

Capri. Almost could classify this as paradise on earth. Towering cliffs emerging from azure blue waters, luxuriant subtropical flowers and vegetation spring up everywhere on this magnificent isle off the coast of Naples in the Andaman sea. Probably the most memorable sight in the whole of my one month backpacking trip.







Countless luxury houses line the cliffs. What a place to have a vacation home.














Shops lined with bougainvilleas in the evening sun.











The natural arch. Taken on a 2 hour hike with meindert.
























View of Naples from the ferry with Mount Vesuvius in the background.







I'm feeling nostalgic.

On another note, i've been listening to corrinne may's songs again. Just the thing for a quiet sunday.

Love song for 1

RANT

I had to get this down in writing the moment i got home today. Firstly, i REALLY want to work out of singapore. Why? Blame it on incessant nagging and typical asian parents.

After i went for exchange in europe and saw how some parents interact with their children (grown up children aged 21 and above), i really cant take the way asian or should i narrow it down to some parents micromanaging their childrens activities when they are past a certain level of maturity. A famous example would be something like this:

a child comes back after school.

Scenario 1

child: "Hi Mom!"

Mom/Dad : "Hey! How was your day?"

Carries on a decent conversation.

Authors note: i cant recall when this scenario took place, if ever.

Scenario 2

Child: "Hi Mom!"

Mom/Dad: "Eh your room very messy/your dustbin is full/where did you go/why are you ALWAYS back so late/i told you to do something blah blah blah

Child, SIAN DIAO.
Begins to argue/ignore mom/dad.

Authors note: happens 90% of the time.
-----------------------------

Different huh.
Like when you see someone you dont start with a lecture EVEN if they freaking deserve one.

well what happened today was..straight after i came back home

Mom: Eh where you go

Me: Thomson

Mom: why?

Me: friends place

Mom: I told you to close the kitchen window/you left your plate again in your room

Me: silence.(no use arguing)

Mom: eh next time check the timing of your last bus properly

BEST PART: ITS BECOMING A HABIT

Me: What???!!!

Mom: YAH. last time you also miss the last bus home then come back so late

Me: How i know normally the last bus comes at 12 or 12 plus what

Mom: yah then why must you come back so late??

Me: ????????? so this is about coming back late?

Mom: YAH.

Me: silence. (whatever whatever WHATEVER)
-------------------end of conversation-----------------------------

Nice huh. I think that really says it all.

other classic comments which tend to gravitate towards controlling my life include the following,

1. "WAH your hair so long, better cut it already"

2. "This year final year right, BETTER work hard" (does this mean i dont work hard all along?)

At 24 years old, if studying is not a self motivated activity, forcing or asking anyone to study hard is not going to have any effect ANYWAY. so whats that all about????

Incredulous.

rob ryan

credits for the picture go to Rob ryan.

Just got back from a dinner gathering with the army pals and i realised its quite funny to hang around attached couples especially mingyong and his girl amy. Never saw him being so comfortable with anyone before and really thats a good thing! Anyway back home uncharacteristically early on a friday night mainly because the couples had to go home but im really kind of tired over the past few days and the constant reminder for the job searching is always on the back of my mind.

Been doing a bit of reading with my newfound time after quitting computer gaming, for now and i've just gone through Paulo Coehlo's The Devil and Miss Prym which was reasonably interesting and i finished that in just 2 sittings on the book. Simple storyline with great underlying themes. Just the thing needed for a nice relaxing read.

As for listening pleasure, i recently chanced upon this video on youtube which is an excellent rendition of 'Nothing's gonna change my love for you" by Kaori Kobayashi who happens to be some decently cute girl who plays an awesome saxophone.

Kaori Kobayashi

Back in Singapore

Its been officially almost 3 weeks since my exchange experience ended. I'm back in Singapore and well i guess i'm adjusting back to the lifestyle and horrid weather here. Its warm and rainy and humid. Almost no worse combination than that.

As i stare out of the window, grey clouds blanket the sky with housing blocks blocking any view that i have. No more wide open spaces, no more cool wind caressing my cheeks. I've been spending these few days reading, going out and watching movies to take my mind of everything. I used to wonder why some people cry so much over watching supposed 'tear jerker' movies, but now i know why. They are somehow able to relate to the characters, to feel their pain and sorrow, it could be losing a loved one, a relationship that never worked out it could be anything. Finally, it seems i'm able to relate to them. When i started this post, i imagined that i would have so much to write about but now, there seems to be a block in my head, something that prevents all the words from spilling out. As if it were a self defense mechanism to prevent myself from releasing all the pain at once.

I watched a movie today. There was a old man who had a photo of his dead wife on one side of the photo frame. He flipped it over and there was a picture of a young girl there. It was his first love. Why did he keep that photo? Was it unfair to his wife that he never forgot his first love? After 50 years, when you are reaching your twilight years, what will be worth remembering?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Where have you gone. Why have you just disappeared without a trace. What have i done.

I ponder upon the questions day and night, taking brief respites from the sorrow within, by engaging in activities that occupy my time and my energy. Concerned friends give good advice and i thank them for it, but who can truly understand the pain that wrecks my soul. Perhaps God. Outside the window the rain pours down, the droplets streaking its way across the glass, reminiscent to tears that flow down my face.

Ready

I never thought i would be ready to leave this place so soon.

But everything here just reminds me of you.

I never felt the pain of seeing someone go, not knowing when u will see them ever again.

But now i have.

If you are reading this, i want to thank you for everything. May we meet again.

Wake me up when September ends

Its been a long time since i blogged. Anyway just some random updates, i got back from Barcelona and London last week, missed my flight back to graz, got stranded at London stanstead airport for half a day, took a flight to salzburg, then stayed overnight at the train station till 5.30am and took a morning train back to home sweet home. Kinda makes me tired from travelling and all. I guess i will put up the photos in time because right now i'm simply too lazy to upload all the pictures here. Most of the good ones are already on facebook although not in the resolution that i would like to represent them :l Spend 2 days working on the photos after coming back from the travels, guess thats what makes me lazy to upload them given that i've already spent so much time on them.

On another note, its only 1 and a half weeks of staying in Graz and honestly i am sad to be leaving, sad to be leaving the good friends i've made over here, leaving the relaxed pace of life here, the fact that i'm living alone. I guess i should save this for another post closer to the date of my departure. In july marks the beginning of a pretty long adventure again, this time really backpacking for a month till i fly back in early august. I'm both looking forward to travelling but also a little hesitant of being on the road for a month or so, sounds really tiring.

Back to Graz, this is officially my last week of class and i have a final exam tomorrow for my last module here(what am i doing blogging now) Was reading the old post of one of my army friends blog when i came across this song - Green day - Wake me up when September ends

It was used in one of our videos that edric made after exercise wallaby back in 2004 and listening to it made me recall so much stuff. Somehow it seems appropriate for this winter spring and summer here in Austria.

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my fathers come to pass
seven years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

ring out the bells again
like we did when spring began
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

Croatia III

Back to yesterday, as we were driving back home we came across the fantastic view of Pag. Heres the panorama picture. The wind was blowing and i guess the picture doesnt do justice to the scenery, but this view really took my breath away.


Random pictures at the beach. On another note, i observed that charlene is amazingly camera trigger happy and shes constantly snapping photos. Well heres one that she got for me and chew thats good!

This was taken along our random walk along the beach when we got tired of baking in the hot sun.














Random flowers outside our villa.

















On to the next day, we travelled to the town of Zadar before heading back to zagreb later in the afternoon. This is the waterfront where we had our lunch and where i ate my dessert and spilt a ton of sweet strawberry syrup on my berms. But besides that, it was really nice to eat lunch with the sea breeze blowing with legs dangling almost into the waves, watching the sailing boats go by. Ahhh..Bliss.






































Zadar Marina!










Very random shot that i just remembered, this is the one shot that we finally managed to get all the SMU people jumping. haha. Big thanks to Jari for getting this right.

Anyway this is the jetty just outside our villa and we jumped about 6 times to get this. haha.






So after zadar it was a long drive back to zagreb where we took a bus back to home sweet home, Graz. Which brings to mind another story about the crazy customs at the slovenian border. We were made to come down from the bus and walk in the bloody cold weather past the border after they checked our passports. (I was freaking wearing shorts la) The whole process took place for about 30 mins and it was 1am in the morning. Damned customs.

Next stop, Munich!