"Desperately"

For more reasons than one, i feel compelled to pick up the pen and begin to write again. It seems strange to me that how blog that started out so...innocently has turned into a strange outlet for the outpouring of a soul. The fleeting images of azure blue skies come back to me, wind whistling in my ear, the grass on the base of my neck. The clouds shapeshift and drift, as i peer nonchalantly nestled among the field.

The last time i revisited this place was months ago, almost four months of absence from the freedom of the thoughts on paper. Nevertheless, thoughts penned down can be a whole lot more dangerous than thoughts expressed in speech. There is something about the written word that keeps the emotions alive of the writer even after many years. I know this after looking back at some of the previous posts I have written. The dangerous part of writing comes when you write something you don't really mean, much like the random callous thought that you blurt out which you never really intended for.

I watched a random obscure movie on the tv last night called - Derailed. Probably not one of those blockbusters but interesting nonetheless. At the heart of the movie in my opinion is power of emotional blackmail, or rather how a team of criminals utilized it to unravel this man's life through his own temptation or dissatisfaction with the state of his life. The tale is told backwards, explaining how the man lands up in jail for seven years, for murdering someone - specifically one of the crooks after he discovers he was cheated. Nevertheless, the point that hit me during the movie was that the guilt in this man's life after the incident drove him to do the most ridiculous things, even going against the things he was working for - all his life. Upon discovering the huge farce created by the crooks in the show, he went berserk. Eventually, turning him into the villain.

Guilt destroys us from the inside out, even if we are not exactly responsible whatever mishaps that occur. The failure of a parent to prevent his son from being a decent human being, the failure of a child to stop his parents from being divorced. Whatever the guilt, whether real or imaginary, in the eyes of the host, becomes all encompassing. The responsibility for the predicament is casted upon the host and is internalized, until the person chooses to disconnect from this guilt.

Today, if guilt is the game in question, then i'm playing a dangerous game here. In my head, the guilt is real. What exactly do those three words mean? I torment and think about the possibilities. I know at least in my own head that the reasons are clear for such things. I remember again, the words that i uttered during the dark night of the soul. Today more than ever, i bury my head in my hands and ask the same question that i did on that fateful night.

Even now, the words echo in my head, like the endless replaying of a tape on loop. ----Don't give up on

As i write, i realize that i grow more weary by the minute. I can no longer even think about what drove me to write in the first place.

Perhaps, you may be reading this. I do not have an answer to my own question.

back from the shower.

I thought about those 3 words again. They haunt me, they beg me to delve deeper into their meaning. Superfluously constructed thoughts expressed in abstract sense, beckon me to explore the true meaning behind the words and their underlying motivation. They gnaw at my heart. bits and pieces flaking away from a heart that gathered the broken bits once too many times before. I digress, vivid visualizations getting the better of me. I explore the reason behind my disturbance in my soul, probing carefully in dark corners. Feelings of failure wash over me, perhaps this might be it. Perhaps, i have been too callous, too insensitive. perhaps.

I had a post months ago, which contained but one phrase. Perhaps, the pauper can never be a prince. My soul wrestles with God, hoping the answer will be an easy one. In fact, i can hear an answer - but it is not an easy road either.

I have to sleep now, but i secretly fear the dreams.

up in the air

the music on SKY fm doesn't calm my nerves tonight. maybe writing might do the trick

Watched Up in the air a few days ago. The show had a surprising impact on my thoughts, especially about how a motivational speaker teaches people how to unburden themselves from the heaviest things in their lives; their relationships. I thought about how Ryan travels, suitcase in tow, emotionless, nothing to weigh him down. Nothing to wait for him, no place where he could call home. His only goal was to get 10 million flyer miles so that he could get all the prestige of being an exclusive member of a flight club. I thought it was a sad life, one void of meaning and relationships.

And then this woman comes along, she makes him smile but his heart is still guarded and she is nothing more than a fleeting fancy, just another exploit. And then a dangerous thing happens. Ryan loses sight of his own motivational speech, be begins to fall for this woman. And with that he gives up a part of his heart, one that was guarded, and for once in his life he feels he needs to pursue this relationship more than anything else. For that he walks out on his own motivational speech, and pursues her..only to find her married with kids.

I saw that coming. and i sympathize with Ryan. He should have followed his own advice after all, where the unburdening of his relationships set him free, albeit lonely path. He twists his own logic and his theory to encourage his scared brother in law to be to marry his sister, because he asks him to think about all the happy times and whom he spent them with. How true.

But he fails to mention all the saddest moments in life are similarly tied in with relationships and the people around you. Too many examples to mention, the death, the loss, the estrangement of a loved one. But we all take the side which we want to hear.

Perhaps the lonely characters in the Murakami novels, the ones that sit at the jazz bar alone night after night, reminiscing about the past, aren't that sad after all.

Magnificent

A strange title for a night like this. Its been a long time since i felt this way, paralyzed unable to think, only to look upwards and to pray. I'm pretty sure (almost) no one reads this blog since i've stopped posting for such a long time, just the way i like it.

Funny how life goes back in one big circle to the same old fears, but this time my response to look upwards is rehearsed, almost instinctive. Sometimes the hardest thing in life can be to let go. To let go of a situation, the lost of a loved one, and we fail to realize that we are limited beings prone to wander, to go astray, that we cannot control everything that happens to us. Even now, there is a gut wrenching feeling in the pits of my stomach. Its amazing the lengths God will go to speak to our hearts, when we have wandered so far, in a flash we are brought to our knees before him, because we run into the arms of perfect love.

As i was walking home, i realized that there is no perfect love, humanly speaking. But im glad that God's love for us, for me is perfect. Nothing i can do can make him love me more, nothing that i have done can make him close the door. After all these years, i know and i feel him right beside me. He binds up the broken-hearted and quells all my fears. I know that even if i were to be rejected by everyone, hes always ready to pick me up in his arms. Arms that created the heavens and the earth yet small enough to hold me closely in his presence.

I've done exactly as you've instructed, and i know all thats left is to let go and let God.