Poetic Justice

Smile for me

Oblivious to all in your own world
Radiant smile absorbed
Explain to me the source
Wonder and fascination
Stare I must
You must know the secret
Exchanges of secret symbols
No one can comprehend
Can I learn to smile that way?

Lost Forever

Feel.

Can’t remember anything of the past
Struggle and fight the demons
Bring the images
Bring the sensations
Bring the feelings
Bring them back

I don’t know if I want to.

Close my eyes
Too painful to think
Too sharp to touch
Too clear to see
Sinking heart

Stop.
Memory is better this way

Wrote both of them in yesterday morning under the duress of handing in 5 poems by the end of this week. Nevertheless both of them were inspired by real events.

I Believe

Its one of those days when the whole day is filled with nothing but grey skies. I've noticed it for 2 days already, cant see any nice clouds or blue sky, just a grey covering of clouds over the sky. Stayed in the whole of today due to a queasy stomach causing me to skip this morning's class which i contemplated going for half an hr in bed and finally decided not to go for fear of aggravating the bad stomach. Factoring 4 hrs of sleep last night made the choice a rather obvious one.

And suddenly someone enlightened me that i just might be being played. But i dont want to believe you're that kind of person.


No matter how boy bandish this group sounds like, i still like the song. Its called 'I believe'.

Blue ocean strategy

Today i actually managed to put in a certain amount of work done for projects at least i settled my outlines for them. Had a damned full dinner at pungol (HOW DO U EVEN SPELL IT?) marina and went to check out a prawn fishing place nearby before heading home. I used to do quite a fair bit of prawn fishing when i was a kid or rather a teenager and i rather enjoyed it but the prices of fishing in ponds are getting appalling, honestly. It costs 15 bucks/hr and i dont even see any people catching anything after sitting around for some time. Back in the days we averaged maybe a prawn every 3 mins or so at it was real good even if u had to pay to fish! But the best part of fishing was bringing the catch home at 2am at night and by dad would cook the prawns with butter and garlic and eating them at 3am. Awesome stuff.

Recently i've discovered using winamp is a great way to get streaming music and my favourite radio station is SKY Fm which is THE most popular station for smooth jazz. Bad thing is i realised i cant work properly when im listening to that station it just gets me too too relaxed. So i started listening to...of all things..trance. Its rather amusing considering i never really liked this genre of music before. Dont get me wrong, i dont actually like it now but i just find its great music to work to because it doesnt put me to sleep, it doesnt tempt me to sing along or listen to the lyrics cos there are none. So yeah. Puts me a state of trance when i study, just that after 2-3 hrs of trance anyone will need a break man.

Im also reading a damned popular book called Blue ocean strategy and its really a good book so far! Certainly gives me more ideas for opening a business.

But first, I need a blue ocean strategy for my life. ;)

Once a cynic

End of the school week. Its one of those blog posts where i know i want to write, write about something but somehow theres a block in my head somewhere that stops me from going on. Why is it that i love writing? Perhaps its a creation of something when something inside is being destroyed. Maybe if i keep writing this post will actually turn out to be some intelligible.

I thought i could hold out from contacting you and waiting for you to do so. I thought. A friend told me today that she always needs someone beside her (meaning her bf) and i started wondering about you today. I know i cant be there beside you right now and i know it isnt fair to you and i really wish i could be beside you. But i cant, at least not right now. I wonder if all girls are like that, they always need someone beside them. Im inclined to believe thats true based on past experiences, talking to female friends. Its really not an unreasonable request and i think it makes perfect sense. Yet irrationality clouds my judgement and mind. I mean it thought i used to be like that, how can someone be together with someone when they are miles away and the next chance of meeting is so distant, so far away.

But you changed that view.

You turned it all the way round and now i'm staring at the exact thing i didnt believe in the face.

I never saw anyone on earth whom i could call my angel on earth. When i look at you, i cant help but be amazed. A calm serene beauty. When im with you nothing else really matters and everything of the world fades away. It really not a common feeling to feel but i'm pretty sure there are people who have felt exactly the same way as me.

and to all you people who are in long distance relationships. I salute you. (I know of more than 5 just thinking off hand) Love your partners everyday, think about them, do something loving for them, because really love conquers all. I've seen it with my own eyes.

or the cynic in everyone could just attribute it to a severe bout of irrationallity.

After all, i was once a cynic.


I'll end off with a picture from Rob ryan.

Quote from course material

"This is a fairly boring and tedious paper, and is intentionally so."

Fairly representative of that subject anyway.

24

Decided to take a break between work to blog about random things. Birthday just passed yesterday and no i don't feel any different from what i was before, just another day, another day older. For some reason I've never been a birthday person and nothing to get excited over just another day on the calendar but nevertheless thank you to all the well wishers from all over the world! Especially to the first person who sent me a greeting at 12am on the 15th. It means a lot to me.

To me birthdays are meant to be shared with a loved one and i always have this image in my mind of being beside a special girl on my birthday with a cake, just the 2 of us. A quiet affair in the house, jazz music playing. Her beautiful smile more radiant than the candles that light up the cake. No need for presents or gifts, because none are necessary, just being beside her is enough.

Its an image that sticks with me when i think of how i would like to celebrate all of my birthday's. Never had that experience before though.
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On another note i had a presentation in school on monday where the prof gives marks for participation when students ask questions after the presentations given by fellow students. So as usual there are some jokers who love to ask for the sake of asking and asking stupid questions and one of my friends actually remarked something loudly thats worthy of being a quote in my university.

"STOP PARTICIPATING LA"

haha. damn good.

and today had a lecture where the prof was confusing us while the lecture notes explained everything so clearly and this poor guy in class in his attempt to understand by listening to the prof asked a damn weird question and the same friend remarked

"stop listening. *** just confuses everyone."

Been on both sides of the coin before, but perhaps just one too many times.

Probably the first semi busy week of the term with it expected to get busier by the week. Papers and projects starting to surface and 1st presentation of the term expected next monday. Not that the work load compares to the level of work i had before i left for exchange but the work load combined with nagging thoughts of the future and job applications leaves me wondering about the road ahead and which path to take. Overseas job? Work for some financial institution? Set up business?(this one looks like the most attractive path) At the same time working/living overseas is something that i really want to experience again. Decisions decisions decisions.

Everytime i talk about this to friends i get this sense of burden weighing down on me although i have no idea why. Perhaps its the fear of settling for mediorcity, the fear of losing it by setting of on the wrong foot.

Being random here i really miss the cool/cold weather up north. The feel of the wind on my face as i cycle around town, to school. Plugged into my ipod listening to some smooth jazz. Ahh...Bliss. Sometimes its the simple things in life that brings so much joy. Or maybe im just a simple person after all.

On another note, im taking this module on creative writing this sem just to fulfill my general arts electives and seriously its the slackest class ever. Every week we just write a poem to hand in the following week, no projects, no presentations. So the schedule for the last 4 weeks of this class goes something like this.

Week 1: Lesson starts 3.50(note the prof is 20 mins late, not that i mind) ends at 5.15 (lessons are suppposed to end at 6.45)

Week 2: Lessons start a little late and at 5 we head to the national musuem for a walk for some inspiration for our poem. Head home after that

Week 3: class Cancelled! woohoo

Week 4: Class starts some what on time and ends at 4.15pm because prof bought us tickets to watch a movie for our next poem

HAHAH damn shiok.

ok see i ended this post on a happy note.

기다리다

어쩌다 그댈 사랑하게 된 거죠
어떻게 이렇게 아플 수 있죠
한번 누구도 이처럼 원한 적 없죠
그립다고 천 번쯤 말해보면 닿을까요
울어보고 떼쓰면 그댄 내 마음 알까요

그 이름 만 번쯤 미워해볼까요
서운한 일들만 손꼽을까요
이미 사랑은 너무 커져 있는데
그댄 내가 아니니 내 맘 같을 수 없겠죠
그래요 내가 더 많이 좋아한 거죠

아홉 번 내 마음 다쳐도 한번 웃는 게 좋아
그대 곁이면 행복한 나라서
싫은 표정 한번 조차도 편히 지은 적 없죠
그대 말이면 뭐든 다 할 듯 했었죠

천년 같은 긴 기다림도 그댈 보는 게 좋아
하루 한 달을 그렇게 일년을
오지 않을 그댈 알면서 또 하염없이 뒤척이며
기다리다 기다리다 잠들죠

나 언제쯤 그댈 편하게 볼까요
언제쯤 이 욕심 다 버릴까요
그대 모든 게 알고 싶은 나인데
언제부터 내 안에 숨은 듯이 살았나요
꺼낼 수 조차 없는 깊은 가시가 되어

그댈 위해 아끼고 싶어 누구도 줄 수 없죠
나는 그대만 그대가 아니면
혼자인 게 더 편한 나라 또 어제처럼 이곳에서
기다리고 기다리는 나예요

Maslow's hierarchy of needs

For the people who have no idea what this pyramid stands for.

"Maslow's hierarchy of needs is often depicted as a pyramid consisting of five levels: the four lower levels are grouped together as being associated with Physiological needs, while the top level is termed growth needs associated with psychological needs. Deficiency needs must be met first. Once these are met, seeking to satisfy growth needs drives personal growth. The higher needs in this hierarchy only come into focus when the lower needs in the pyramid are satisfied. Once an individual has moved upwards to the next level, needs in the lower level will no longer be prioritized."

Hence according to this theory, if we have problems with self esteem or self actualization, then the easiest way to stop thinking about it is to go back to basics and ensure that your safety and physiological needs are compromised. Not recommended in the long term but in the short term probably works out fine to stop thinking about other stuff. So for the people having trouble with love and belonging, just make yourself hungry, drink little, dont shit, dont sleep, sooner or later u wont be thinking anything about love or belonging. :)

The weekend flies by even quicker when you are working, i spent 2 days crammed in a room full of fanatic ladies whose only mission was to buy some shoes and blow some serious cash on shopping. There was a queue outside the place where i was working before i even got to work. Insane. My legs are pretty dead after 2 days of running around and standing for the whole day. In any case, its decent money for the weekend given the weak balance sheet i have currently. Got a quiz tmr for portfolio management *shrugs*

Something snapped, somewhere.

I think i've changed, something inside of me has snapped. I cant exactly say what is it thats changed in me. But something has. Faith that used to be so strong, faith that used to make sense of it all.

That faith is still there, but something has changed, and i think its the scars of brokeness.

No matter how many times hope is shattered it can be rebuilt, albeit slowly piece by piece but the scars always remain leaving behind a fragile equilibrium. Now all thats left is to trust God and leave it in his hands, and know that he is good. I know not his purposes but his ways are higher than mine.

Heal me o God, for i am broken before you.

I give you money, cut your hair.

A pleasant wednesday evening, an all too familiar scenario unfolds.

Mom: "Eh i give you money, you go cut your hair"

Me: "???? what for i'll go cut it when i feel like it la

Mom:"Your hair is so long, your face is so sharp your eyebrow so thick, not nice la"

Me: Why must you ask me to cut my hair?? its my hair afterall

Mom--> Looks at Dad. "You tell him, say something dont just sit there"

Dad: 'yah your hair so long better cut it'

Dad: Hes an adult, we can only ADVISE him to cut his hair, if he doesnt want to do it there is nothing we can do

Mom: Yah but its so long etc etc etc blah blah

Me: omg its not like my hair is green and punky or something why cant i just leave my hair

walks away from the television and back to the room.

Damned ridiculous.

WHAT IS WITH THEM WANTING ME OR RATHER ADVISING ME TO CUT MY DAMNED HAIR.

sigh.

ENG003

My class this semester allows me to write and this is assignment one.

Within my heart lies
relics lost in time
Safe from the world
behind these glass walls
Revealing secrets long past
Past hurts lost loves
The feelings kept untouchable
Never to be forgotten

Raining again

It just doesnt stop raining at this time of the year. When i left the house to get to school it was raining, when i came back home from school it was raining. No it was POURING. The weather here is horrendous, even after the rain there isnt a fresh scent of the trees refreshed after the rain but a warm humid dampness in the air and the land all around making me feel stifled. On another note, i've become an incredibly good stoner after coming back from exchange, together with a couple of friends the daily activity is sitting around pick and bite for about half an hour doing nothing just idle chat and moments of stoning. Not particularly productive but relaxing nonetheless.

I've been going crazy these few days thinking about some stuff or rather trying not to think about some stuff. She disappeared again, not sure how much more of this i can take.

its raining inside of me too

Kiss the rain. First heard it on exchange and fell in love with the song.

Daily thing

Never really took to blogging but somehow this is becoming a daily thing now, perhaps its too much time on my hands. And the lack of motivation to engage in potentially more productive activities leading to a proliferation of useless thoughts. Like the one in the picture below.