Noch Einmal, Bitte Langsam.

"Desperately"

2010-08-29T09:38:00.000-07:00

For more reasons than one, i feel compelled to pick up the pen and begin to write again. It seems strange to me that how blog that started out so...innocently has turned into a strange outlet for the outpouring of a soul. The fleeting images of azure blue skies come back to me, wind whistling in my ear, the grass on the base of my neck. The clouds shapeshift and drift, as i peer nonchalantly nestled among the field.

The last time i revisited this place was months ago, almost four months of absence from the freedom of the thoughts on paper. Nevertheless, thoughts penned down can be a whole lot more dangerous than thoughts expressed in speech. There is something about the written word that keeps the emotions alive of the writer even after many years. I know this after looking back at some of the previous posts I have written. The dangerous part of writing comes when you write something you don't really mean, much like the random callous thought that you blurt out which you never really intended for.

I watched a random obscure movie on the tv last night called - Derailed. Probably not one of those blockbusters but interesting nonetheless. At the heart of the movie in my opinion is power of emotional blackmail, or rather how a team of criminals utilized it to unravel this man's life through his own temptation or dissatisfaction with the state of his life. The tale is told backwards, explaining how the man lands up in jail for seven years, for murdering someone - specifically one of the crooks after he discovers he was cheated. Nevertheless, the point that hit me during the movie was that the guilt in this man's life after the incident drove him to do the most ridiculous things, even going against the things he was working for - all his life. Upon discovering the huge farce created by the crooks in the show, he went berserk. Eventually, turning him into the villain.

Guilt destroys us from the inside out, even if we are not exactly responsible whatever mishaps that occur. The failure of a parent to prevent his son from being a decent human being, the failure of a child to stop his parents from being divorced. Whatever the guilt, whether real or imaginary, in the eyes of the host, becomes all encompassing. The responsibility for the predicament is casted upon the host and is internalized, until the person chooses to disconnect from this guilt.

Today, if guilt is the game in question, then i'm playing a dangerous game here. In my head, the guilt is real. What exactly do those three words mean? I torment and think about the possibilities. I know at least in my own head that the reasons are clear for such things. I remember again, the words that i uttered during the dark night of the soul. Today more than ever, i bury my head in my hands and ask the same question that i did on that fateful night.

Even now, the words echo in my head, like the endless replaying of a tape on loop. ----Don't give up on

As i write, i realize that i grow more weary by the minute. I can no longer even think about what drove me to write in the first place.

Perhaps, you may be reading this. I do not have an answer to my own question.

back from the shower.

I thought about those 3 words again. They haunt me, they beg me to delve deeper into their meaning. Superfluously constructed thoughts expressed in abstract sense, beckon me to explore the true meaning behind the words and their underlying motivation. They gnaw at my heart. bits and pieces flaking away from a heart that gathered the broken bits once too many times before. I digress, vivid visualizations getting the better of me. I explore the reason behind my disturbance in my soul, probing carefully in dark corners. Feelings of failure wash over me, perhaps this might be it. Perhaps, i have been too callous, too insensitive. perhaps.

I had a post months ago, which contained but one phrase. Perhaps, the pauper can never be a prince. My soul wrestles with God, hoping the answer will be an easy one. In fact, i can hear an answer - but it is not an easy road either.

I have to sleep now, but i secretly fear the dreams.

up in the air

2010-04-12T08:52:00.000-07:00

the music on SKY fm doesn't calm my nerves tonight. maybe writing might do the trick

Watched Up in the air a few days ago. The show had a surprising impact on my thoughts, especially about how a motivational speaker teaches people how to unburden themselves from the heaviest things in their lives; their relationships. I thought about how Ryan travels, suitcase in tow, emotionless, nothing to weigh him down. Nothing to wait for him, no place where he could call home. His only goal was to get 10 million flyer miles so that he could get all the prestige of being an exclusive member of a flight club. I thought it was a sad life, one void of meaning and relationships.

And then this woman comes along, she makes him smile but his heart is still guarded and she is nothing more than a fleeting fancy, just another exploit. And then a dangerous thing happens. Ryan loses sight of his own motivational speech, be begins to fall for this woman. And with that he gives up a part of his heart, one that was guarded, and for once in his life he feels he needs to pursue this relationship more than anything else. For that he walks out on his own motivational speech, and pursues her..only to find her married with kids.

I saw that coming. and i sympathize with Ryan. He should have followed his own advice after all, where the unburdening of his relationships set him free, albeit lonely path. He twists his own logic and his theory to encourage his scared brother in law to be to marry his sister, because he asks him to think about all the happy times and whom he spent them with. How true.

But he fails to mention all the saddest moments in life are similarly tied in with relationships and the people around you. Too many examples to mention, the death, the loss, the estrangement of a loved one. But we all take the side which we want to hear.

Perhaps the lonely characters in the Murakami novels, the ones that sit at the jazz bar alone night after night, reminiscing about the past, aren't that sad after all.

Magnificent

2010-03-21T07:57:00.001-07:00

A strange title for a night like this. Its been a long time since i felt this way, paralyzed unable to think, only to look upwards and to pray. I'm pretty sure (almost) no one reads this blog since i've stopped posting for such a long time, just the way i like it.

Funny how life goes back in one big circle to the same old fears, but this time my response to look upwards is rehearsed, almost instinctive. Sometimes the hardest thing in life can be to let go. To let go of a situation, the lost of a loved one, and we fail to realize that we are limited beings prone to wander, to go astray, that we cannot control everything that happens to us. Even now, there is a gut wrenching feeling in the pits of my stomach. Its amazing the lengths God will go to speak to our hearts, when we have wandered so far, in a flash we are brought to our knees before him, because we run into the arms of perfect love.

As i was walking home, i realized that there is no perfect love, humanly speaking. But im glad that God's love for us, for me is perfect. Nothing i can do can make him love me more, nothing that i have done can make him close the door. After all these years, i know and i feel him right beside me. He binds up the broken-hearted and quells all my fears. I know that even if i were to be rejected by everyone, hes always ready to pick me up in his arms. Arms that created the heavens and the earth yet small enough to hold me closely in his presence.

I've done exactly as you've instructed, and i know all thats left is to let go and let God.

one liner of the night

2009-11-06T10:23:00.000-08:00

Perhaps, the pauper can never be a prince.

personality test

2009-09-09T10:05:00.000-07:00

our result for The LONG Scientific Personality Test ...

ESFJ-The Provider

You scored 82% I to E, 79% N to S, 43% F to T, and 21% J to P!

Providers, a subgroup of the Guardians, take it upon themselves to arrange for the health and welfare of those in their care, as well as being quite sociable. Wherever they go, Providers take up the role of social contributor, happily giving their time and energy to make sure that the needs of others are met, that traditions are supported and developed, and that social functions are a success. Providers are extremely sensitive to the feelings of others, which makes them perhaps the most sympathetic of all the types, but which also leaves them rather self-conscious, that is, highly sensitive to what others think of them. Because of this Providers can be crushed by personal criticism, and will work most effectively when given ample appreciation both for themselves personally and for the service they give to others. This is not to say that Providers are afraid to express their own emotional reactions. They are quick to like and dislike—and don’t mind saying so—tending to put on a pedestal whatever or whoever they admire, and to come down hard on those people and issues they don’t care for. You share your type with 10% of the population.
As a romantic partner, you work hard to nuture and protect your relationships. You go to great lengths to maintain harmony and are motivated to resolve conflicts. You have a very clear idea of what is important to you and do best when your partner shares those same values. You want your partner to be loving, commited, and willing to support your frequently overwelming feelings and reactions. You feel most appreciated when your partner is kind, considerate, and helpful, and compliments you often on your hard work in their behalf.

one of the most accurate personality tests ive done. hmm.

http://www.helloquizzy.com/tests/the-long-scientific-personality-test

from
http://www.keirsey.com/default.aspx

bye bye blackbird

2009-08-06T10:01:00.001-07:00

Breathe, you're just getting started.

2009-07-15T07:01:00.000-07:00

Breathe.

Work is getting to me. The hours have been up to expectations after all, but the problem isnt the hours. Its the passion. With passion, we'll be willing to put in the hard work, go the extra mile, and produce that extra drop of effort. Agreed, but the thing is after about a month in here, i haven't had time to take a step back and think about how to ignite that passion. The bigger picture beckons but i stay rooted, absorbed in the work that threatens to steal the essence of me away.

So i attempt to delve deeper, trying to find the root to see if i find out the reason behind my lethargy and apathy. Could it be that if i were in some other field, working on the same mundane stuff, would i be more interested? Unlikely. Simply put, the value of work to me ends when office hours end. There is always going to be more work, when does it ever stop.

Not that im not interested in having great ambitions. But i look at the people around me in lofty positions earning tons of money. Yet, i can't say they are much better than they were before they started. They have achieved their goals i must say, success in the workplace, respect that must be earned through hard work, yet i do not know what they have lost along the path that they chose to walk.

Toil and all, but in the end what is gained, nothing but material possessions, hoarded up serving self serving purposes. Whatever happened to happened to the word 'job' - because isnt that what this is? A job.

Life speeds past us faster than we know and whatever we hold dear to us, our job and our pride in what we do at work is forgotten in a sliver of time when our time is up. Think about it. No matter how lofty our aspirations may be, CEO, president, prime minister whatever, all it takes is 2 weeks to be replaced or less. Build a legacy, be remembered as a great person. but the people who truly remember you as a friend, a son, a brother, a husband; Isnt that what really matters?

Passion for the work that we do. Thats a gift to have, makes you actually enjoy working. But i don't see that all often. Often work buries us and the concern is more of trying to stay in the game rather than enjoying what we do. So what are the limits of passion at work? Does that mean filling every single waking moment with the never ending quest of learning? Certainly sounds noble something that people aspire for. But think about what that really involves for a moment. Work 12 hrs a day and weekends, and spend free time reading about how to further knowledge at work? Sounds like obsession, not passion. What happened to time for other activities, exercise, catching up with friends.

'Since i started work XXX years ago, i havent stopped."

I felt sad when i heard those words. Not for the person who said it, because it meant nothing in his eyes. But i felt empathy because i know there are many people who think they dont have a choice, when in fact, they do.

I'm not advocating throwing down our shovels and pens and workstations, but just stop for a moment, breathe. If you can imagine the world fading away and imagine the things you would cling on to in those fading moments, but make sure you return and know whats really important to you.

Nonetheless, im prepared to stick with this God-given job because i know im going to be moulded and built by my maker and creator. So for now im hoping and praying i find the passion and purpose in what i do. Because im not betting on dying tommorrow.

Ramblings

2009-06-29T08:11:00.000-07:00

Work has officially started and im really grateful that the hours have not been as long as what i was gearing myself up for (the power of pessimism and low expectations) and i'm given quite a bit of time to learn the stuff im required to know. People at the office are nice and the whole environment feels kind of like a library, quiet, with everyone engaged in their own little world. Although admittedly would be nice with a little noise and conversation around, to keep me awake when the Z monster attacks. and it attacks quite frequently especially when im getting 5 hours of sleep every night.

Speaking of work, my fitness is going down the drain stolen by hours of placing my butt on a chair staring at the screen, and being exhausted at the end of it so much that i only have enough energy to come back home and do exactly the same thing.

Not that its bad, feels especially makes the weekends sweeter.

This person makes me feel alive again. I go home and i hope to talk to her every night. She makes me want to stay past bedtime talking to her. Yet, i've never met her in person. She makes me feel i can share everything i have with her, not that its much. I dont know her all that well, she says that too. But it feels...right.

Time will tell.

For now im content to just pour out my thoughts, feelings, dreams and memories over the internet.

Dont know when i'll finally meet her.

off

2009-06-20T11:29:00.000-07:00

If i were to be on the side of rationality, i would be a traitor.

and is it possible to miss someone whom you never met? Strangely, a feeling i had while i was on the night rider back on a early saturday morning.

2009-06-19T13:58:00.000-07:00

Im back from Hong kong after a time of shopping, eating, walking, sleeping on the floor, filling in damned swine flu forms every time we pass a border. But on the overall it was a good shopping trip and i came back with a good sized loot from HK and Shenzhen. The level of customer service in HK is miles ahead of most of the stores in Singapore for some reason especially in G2 black label and they were EXTREMELY helpful so much so that sean actually spent more than me in that shop.

I just had the urge to blog, to write down some of the things that are swimming around in my head. It usually happens when i take a 1 hr night rider bus back home. But when i finally sit down in front of the computer it seems so redundant to spell it all out here. Perhaps when im less sleepy i'll feel like it.

oh yeah. Next week is first week of work! Excited/Apprehensive.

Cryptic

2009-06-12T12:30:00.000-07:00

This kinda feels like deja vu. chui. Familiar feeling, not something i want to experience again anytime soon. The feeling of working for a goal, but when it all seems to fit, things just go awry. Perhaps i should stay home tmr on a saturday.

elation

2009-06-10T11:29:00.000-07:00

Someone just made me very happy today.

Missed my mrt station because i was distracted and it was 12am with no return train.

Unintentional, but achieved the purpose nonetheless.

"Congratulations, you got the job."

2009-06-08T10:53:00.000-07:00

Those words never felt sweeter after the long arduous wait that was called for the test. It took weeks of failure to reveal his purposes, his plan for my life when all i was focused on was on my plan. Little did i know that God desires to mould my character into something more than what it is.

The endless interviews with unemphatic interviewers spewing textbook questions with a stern demeanor yet expecting extraordinary answers. Yet this wasn't the feel i got at the company that hired me during all the interviews.

On that thursday night, i finally realized the truth of the matter was hard work was the way to mould me. My stubborn refusal to toil to produce fruits of labor stuck with me till that day when i was finally broken. Now i understand why things worked out this way, for even in 2007 God was preparing the way for this job that he has blessed me with now. And i stand amazed at the wonders of your works.

Even at the final interview which i wasnt expecting, he showed me that he is in control of the situation and i dont know how i landed the job, but i did.

If you are reading this and you know me, ask me.

For this is my testimony for God.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

and this is the song of the moment

back

2009-05-24T11:12:00.000-07:00

Its been some time since i last sat down and blogged. More than a month to be specific.

Feeling kinda annoyed with this persistent sore throat and 2 nasal passages blocked at 2.15am in the morning but i decided i would do a bit of writing tonight, especially since i had 3 hrs of sleep in the afternoon.

In general i've been keeping busy with job hunting, interview preps, interviews (at least im getting them) catching up with friends and enjoying unemployment before it turns nasty and downright depressing.

Watched a whole season of 24 season 7, Heroes season 3 over the past weeks inducing 5am nights and 1pm mornings.

Played tennis for the first time today, damn shiok. But the bad thing about it is the nasty weather in singapore but i suppose thats normal. Is it just me or is the weather really getting hotter over the years. I was walking back today and the sun was just blinding and even outside it was like an oven. On that note, today was rather eventful, hope the curse is ending.

to end off,

Unearthing some on the random stuff that i've been writing over the past year or so.

Punggol Jetty

World left behind

Long winding road edge of my world

Weary steps purer air

Leads me on to eternity

Glittering shimmering lights

Glistening sea and sounds of lazy waves

Shadows searching for existence in rods of hope

No sign to be found

Why do they come, then?

Tender gaze loving embrace

Eyes of starcrossed lovers

Yet a few feet away

Lonely souls stare out at the promise of the solace

Undying flame burns in the distance

Destruction that brings a new beginning

Same orange glow from the lights

Heady concoction of love dreams thoughts hopes

Like floatsam, drift away on the waves

To a place that looks so close.

Yet so far away from home.

Probably only makes sense to people who have visited this place though.

Something Humid, Something Cool.

Mirrors and mist

Self is lost in the humidity All

Attempts to eradicate my life of the unclean

Essence of myself flowed down the drainpipes of time, Forgotten

Anticipation, for the new me to sharpen

Wiping the returning blur, Impatiently

Its not time

Alas, when its all over

It isn’t me I see

Of what passion used to be.

Contemplative

2009-04-18T09:19:00.000-07:00

I hope this is going to be a moderately long post and i get to put down everything that is swimming around in my head at this point of time. First of all, updates. I'm officially done with school, done with 15 long years of education and feeling a little numb but glad its over. I know i didnt do well for at least 2 of the papers, but at this point im just glad its all over.

Sometimes i feel disappointed at what i've attained over the past 4 years in terms of grades. If my gpa doesnt drop any this semester, its still not enough to attain a cum laude. True i probably havent spent my entire waking hours devoting my life to studying, but with the peers with the awards and scholoarships getting swanky jobs 1 by 1, its hard to remain focused on the old adage that grades arent everything. Agreed, but they certainly help u get that foot in the door. What else do i have, no sporting glory, no notable achievements. And while we are on foot in the door, it begins to dawn upon me that even when i did get my foot in the door, somewhere along the line, i stopped believing in myself. Dont know when, dont know how. I realised that deep down i felt mediocre.

Perhaps im just not smart enough, not hardworking enough, not devoted enough to what i'm studying. And when i look back over the years, i realised that there are modules that i did try, i tried freaking hard and i wasn't rewarded for my efforts, maybe i studied the mod wrongly, or i just screwed up. And then there are modules that i just didnt get, like accounting. Or modules which i set myself up for failure by doing last minute work. So many have beens, have nots.

But having said that i'm at peace with whatever grades i have now, realise its too late to change anything and even if i could i probably wouldnt have changed anything..well maybe except taking that finance major instead of a political science one. But that mediocre mindset, its a thing of the past, i've buried it. Its now dead. Because i have people who believe in me, and most importantly, God does, and he has a perfect plan for an imperfect life.

My papers ended on wednesday and i've been out clubbing, shopping and even been into malaysia today. In fact i almost died while waiting in line getting my passport stamped at the incredibly inefficient and overcrowded because i had this splitting headache for 2 days and the buses were spewing fresh carbon monoxide into my face and hundreds of people were breathing out carbon dioxide within metres of me.

Since i had this long running headache, and watching the sixth sense on tv, which incidently happens to be one of my favourite movies, i had a thought, what if i had a tumor in my brain and i had a month before the lord takes me home.

Who would i want meet, what would i say and what would i do. While taking that last breath the night before (assuming i go quietly in my sleep) who would i want to be by my side, holding my hand and telling me everything is going to be alright. Not going to mention that names that come quickly to my mind, but its good to know who you are and remind myself why that person is important to me. And before i go, what would i say to each of these people that would impact their life, that even if the persons life doesnt change radically, i would be glad if they remembered the words of a friend, son, lover, brother before he drew his last.

A common phrase pops up among the words spoken to friends and lovers.

'Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me.

Revelation 3:20 - New American Standard Bible

But it pains me to know that in that list of people, there is at least one who probably wouldnt care to turn up, not even if it was to fulfill that last wish he had.

Everything in its time

2009-04-12T11:45:00.000-07:00

Corrinne May - Everything In its time

Sometimes i wonder what lies ahead
How long til my hunger is fed
They say it's hard to make it in this part of town
so many people on this merry-go-round

Some folks try astrology
Some turn to crystal balls
To find an answer
To get through it all
I just fall on my knees and i try to pray
in the silence i can hear Him say

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time

I often feel like that i'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
why i should give up
But i'm stubborn in the things i believe

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to the patience and watch for the sign

'cause maybe there's another plan
One i still cant see
A little surprise, like your love in your life
Funny how time changes how we see

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to the patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time
Everything in its time

Final Lap

2009-04-09T11:20:00.000-07:00

"last chance to study for exams, try to enjoy it."

-Quote of the week-

Can't wait for next weds.

the words elude me in the exhaustion.

my blog needs some pictures

2009-04-04T09:38:00.000-07:00

Times are bad

Meiyan sent me this picture. Courtesy of sean and dex @last day of sch where i wasnt there. damn.

Where i want to be at now.

Bright shiny morning

2009-04-01T21:15:00.000-07:00

Its been awhile since i bought fiction and perhaps it might have been a spur of the moment buy but i bought james frey's latest, Bright shiny morning. Impressed by his writings of a million little pieces and the follow up, My friend Leonard, i decided to just buy this one without reading any reviews whatsoever unlike what i usually do before buying anything.

Watched gran turino in iluma near bugis. Didnt disappoint at all. One small gripe about the movie is thatl it lacks the pace of million dollar baby which eastwood directed some years back. This grizzly old man is damn good, who says old men are useless.

On another note, its officially the last week of school and im really looking forward to april 17th the day when all this ends.

This morning i woke up and decided its going to be a productive day. I have to. Just that blogging isnt exactly serving that purpose.

the things people get themselves into, when they think with the wrong head.

2009-03-31T01:15:00.000-07:00

March 26, 2009

Man dies after bottle mishap

A SINGAPOREAN died of heart failure after his genital became stuck in a soft drink bottle, reported Sin Chew Daily and China Press.

The incident happened when the 77-year-old man used the bottle to engage in a sexual activity.

China Press reported that the senior citizen got his private part into the bottle and only sought help after his genital could not be dislodged from the bottle despite trying various ways.

Doctors tried to alleviate the man's suffering by cutting the bottle below the neck but to no avail. An inflammation later set in causing him to be unable to urinate.

His misadventure later led to other medical complications causing his death. -- THE STAR/ANN

MAS SELAMAT SPOTTED AT PUNGGOL JETTY

2009-03-26T09:57:00.000-07:00

I love to run to punggol jetty to watch the waves and catch the breeze. For the uninformed, Punggol jetty is the place where u take a boat to go to outward bound school, where couples make out in darkened cars, where lots of people take their fishing rods lines and dip it into fishless waters just to pass time and weird people who run all the way from sengkang just to watch the waves and catch the sea breeze and not to forget bored policemen at their outpost.

So as i was saying, one night i decided to take sometime of work and go for a run. As usual when i reached the jetty i walked down to the beach for some moments of quiet and rest. I was sweating more than usual, not having ran here in a long while. When i got up from the beach, it was necessary to walk past the police post, and i would be facing the police officer on duty as i walked. As i neared him, he glanced at me and that was when it happened.

He fixed his gaze on me for at least a second, then he slowly turned his neck to look at something on the wall. At that moment to my horror my intuition told me what he was thinking.

The poster on the wall was none other than MAS SELAMAT. Escaped TERRORIST.

He turned back to look at me again.

Incredible. I felt like asking him in what way do i look like MAS SELAMAT. You too bored already ah you.

Im getting increasingly annoyed at people who mistake my race.

rather geeky (in a hardware way) post

2009-03-26T09:31:00.000-07:00

I dont know why but im damn happy to get a new pc. Finally after almost 5 years!

Wanted to buy one off the rack initially but i changed my mind after looking at the crazy prices and the so not value for money deals that the ready made pc makers are offering. For that kind of prices > 2000 i could probably go get top of the line stuff, 24 inch monitor, $400 gfx card, quad core intel cpu and all the frills. But looking at the dwindling amount of cash in my account, i decided to stick to a more down to earth budget of about 1100, without a new monitor(that can wait for the IT fair in june). I want a 24"" monitor! + harmon kardon speakers.

So over the last couple of days, i downloaded price lists, got back in touch with whats happening on the hardware scene, tutorial lesson with biyang included. Kind of stuff that gets ordinary people turned off.

After some days of deciding what kind of requirements i wanted, i went i approached the master of home built pc's for his specific recommendations on the nuts and bolts and this is what we have for saturday's simlim adventure.

MSI K9A2 CF-F AMD 790X (Quad 9650) $366 - Mainboard + AMD quad core cpu
Hitachi 500GB 8/16MB (3 Yrs) $86 - Harddisk
PC-6400/800 Kingston DDR2 2GB x 2 $60 - RAM
Palit GTS250 512MB DDR3 DVI / HDMI........$255 - Gfx card
CM CM690 3 x 12cm Fan + Side Window........139 - Casing + cooling system
AcBel M8 670W Modular (5 Yrs)...............179 - Powersupply

<1100

Hope i can get a bundle discount on this man.

Mission accomplished. Dunno why spend so much money also so happy.
This pc better last me a long time. But 5 years later i bet i'll be griping about how i need a new one. The wonders of technology, it just keeps getting better.

Many thanks to biyang for all the tips and recommendations!

running scared

2009-03-23T11:12:00.000-07:00

For the first time in a long while, im scared of actually failing a quiz.

Too much procrastination this sem.

random week 12 mon morning

2009-03-22T20:15:00.000-07:00

11am. Its already sweltering outside. Week 12. 3 more weeks to graduation.

Pile of corp rep notes untouched, quiz tmr.

I'm blogging. Says a lot about my mood now.

I've been having strange bouts of weird dreams that plague me on some nights with the exception of last night. Familiar people doing the weirdest things in the dreams but one of the memorable ones was that i crashed my Porsche while backing out of a parking lot and a lorry whacked it. I woke up immediately in relieved to find that i didn't crash anything and wondering what would it be like if i actually have a Porsche to crash.

Someone once told me that getting to work is always hard, for the first half hour. Then after that it becomes fun. I haven't experienced that before, maybe its because i hate the subjects i study for. Doesnt matter, hate or not, its time to CHIONG AHHHHHH.

before my afternoon nap at least.

Congrats Joe!

2009-03-21T11:02:00.000-07:00

Today another of my cousins got married. Watching him and jane walk down the aisle had less of a significance than last year when the first of my cousins, ben got married, but it still gave me this warm feeling inside.

I'm glad liz flew back from aussie back to sg to make it for the wedding, skipping 2 lab lessons in the process but as i said, 2o years later you dont want to look back and say i skipped my cousins wedding for a couple of lousy lab lessons. In the same manner, i could have spent the day studying corp reporting for tues quiz, but i didnt. And i know i'm going to look back 20 years later and say i made a good move. But on tuesday when i see the paper i hope that thought comes back to mind. Cos im so screwed. lol.

Anyway congrats Joe and Jane! You 2 make a great couple.

On another note, we used to belong to the kids/cousins dinner table before all these marriages started.

Now its called the unwed table. And the numbers are steadily dwindling.

Not so funny thought there.

rant

2009-03-19T09:15:00.000-07:00

I thought i could hold back on griping or ranting about the small stuff in my life. As they always say dont sweat the small stuff and i'm going to say that all the stuff i rant about is really quite insignificant but since writing is my outlet, im going to unleash all that unnecessary stuff on this post. It comes one after another, a series of disconnected events cumulating in this feeling of extreme frustration and annoyance.

1. Lost aviator sunglasses in Jb due to carelessness. I CANT GET THOSE nice cheap ones IN SINGAPORE.
2. Mom was waiting at 4am when i came back from zouk, goes all naggy.
3. Laptop SUDDENLY becomes damned laggy within a space of a week
4. Desktop was working when i only used it for dota, mom officially killed it when she used it for surfing the net.
5. I cant play dota now unless i get a new desktop which is going to cost 1 grand.
6. Installing ALL the programs again is a bitch
7. I have NO time to go shopping for a desktop
8. I have ZERO motivation to study, but the constant quizzes and projects dont allow me to slack off much
9. I have not got a job yet, (partly my fault cos i havent spammed enough employers yet)
10. Mom is worried that i am mixing with wrong company - clubbing = bad company
11. Every 3 weeks, the question arises, got girl friend or not. big big wtf.
12. Even better, next question is got any girls interested in you. YAH YAH QUEUE AROUND THE BLOCK AH. i got hit for giving that answer.
13. Niaos me for using a clean tissue paper to wipe up some chilli that has dripped on the table, when there was some 'not so dirty' tissue within reach to wipe the mess with.
14. Feeling so exhausted from i dont know what, its certainly not work.
15. Constantly being reminded to 'work hard'
16. Hair is so short that i'm reminded of my army days
17. There is a wedding on saturday that i dont really want to go for
18. Corporate reporting 2 hr quiz next week that i havent started studying for
19. is wondering if its really worth the wait
20. Is constantly getting rejections letters in the email

I'm going to stop before i get all cryptic. Glad i got that all out. Phew.

Good thing, probably volunteering at sculpture square. Nice and peaceful despite no work being done there today.

okbetterstartstudying.

but now im sleepy. zzz.

jigsaw

2009-03-14T06:04:00.000-07:00

Sitting outside the coffee shop, i have a bowl of pork chop noodle and a teh ping, alone watching the light drizzle glisten in the warm orange glow of the fluorescent street lamps. I am reminded of a certain juncture of my life that seems so distant now.

Finishing my meal i reconsider if i should head back straight to continue the doomed cause of studying for accounting but deciding against it i sit back, drink in hand, together with an unknown uncle who is slowly downing a Heineken. Both of us are silent, wordless in common understanding. I stare out into the night, the sounds of a family deep in conversation at the next table, some kids sitting mournfully around the meaningless chatter of adult talk, and me and the silent uncle sharing a common table, different drink.

Scattered bits of memories return, pushed out from the old vaults, ignited by the smooth sounds of kirk whalum on his saxophone. 'Lover for life' played as i cycled through the empty streets of Graz after a late night. The memories are old and the colors are fading, much like an old photograph dug out from a time too long ago. Carefully i attempt to reconstruct the scenes in my mind careful to do so without missing any details but somehow the puzzle doesn't fit together anymore, a disjointed mix of jigsaw pieces with the final image lost on a box that was thrown away a long time ago.

The task is futile, what difference does it make anyway? I get up and walk back wearily, taking in the rare cool crisp air leaving the pieces of memories behind amidst the orange tinted drizzle, much like our day of parting.

But i am glad we met again tonight. Even if it was just over a drink and dinner on a rainy Saturday evening.

Cryptic Dreams

2009-03-13T01:29:00.000-07:00

I always thought dreams come alone in your sleep but last night i had two.

The first was a strange one. I was in working clothes, ie shirt and pants and leather shoes marching through the wilderness of a tropical rainforest with a bunch of people whose faces i couldnt recognize or remember now. I was tired and this seemed much too much like a army outfield experience. Coming to a river we soon saw a huge underwater structure diverting the flows of the river somewhere to a huge pool. Stopping momentarily, i saw HUGE slim fishes, much like knifefishes swimming 1 by 1 along the flows of the water into the huge pool. Only one of my companions seemed to be filled with as much excitement seeing such a sight, while the rest of my companions merely pressed on. I tore myself from the scene and we marched on for an eternity. Slowly it dawned on me that i was in a weird predicament. What the heck was i out here trekking in stupid leather working shoes and a white shirt! Where were all my belongings? It seemed like i hadn't prepared anything for this trip at all. Finally we arrived at our lodgings for the night and it seemed suspiciously like my bunk while i was still in army. Then a feeling of utter desperation for this whole thing began to become reality. The nameless others milled around to unpack and various sorts of admin as i sat there wondering what was i doing and the fact that i had nothing for the journey ahead.

the next dream that ensued brought me back to reality sitting at familiar place with a familiar friend having a familiar conversation which i cant recall, till he said 'You dont behave the way you should' and somehow the words struck back at me like a slap in the face.

and then i woke up feeling very very tired.

Quotable movie quotes

2009-03-11T08:59:00.001-07:00

"The things we do and say echo in eternity in the lives of others. "

"Its not who we are but what we do that defines us."

"Sometimes the truth isn't good enough, sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded"

"You want the truth, you can't handle the truth."

"A day may come, when the strength of men will fail, a day may come when the courage of men fail, but...it is not this day. today we fight!"

-favourite movie quotes-

Happy Birthday

2009-03-08T12:00:00.000-07:00

The title of this post is dedicated to a certain someone who im sure still reads this blog whose birthday falls on the 9th of March.

anyway, Happy birthday!

I caught watchmen on sat in theaters and despite some scathing comments from some folks, i remain unfazed and i felt it was a decent show despite being an almost incredibly long show.

Sure it got slow at some parts but i know better than to comment about lengthy shows, especially book/comic book adaptations which i've never read before. Which probably means some subtle but necessary details that non readers would probably not miss and a bunch of fans who would slam the director if he left that scene out. Having said that, no complaints from me on the show except that i wanted to pee when it was approaching the 3 hr mark. Dr Manhattan was just imba anyway but the interesting characters were the rest of the lot, especially Rorschach. Coolest old guy around with a strange shifty inky mask.

As for people whining about the show being too gory, im speechless. Havent we already been conditioned to all the gore shown on tv nowadays, SAW is like a hundred times more cringeworthy than this and no one gives a damn anyway. Well pretty tight screenplay and well shot so definitely give this 1 a shot, but remember, no one said this was the best show of the century.

but i did enjoy it quite a fair bit despite not having read the graphic novel. Definitely not just for those who read the series.

2009-03-04T10:15:00.000-08:00

Its the final lap so to speak and i feel like sitting down and quitting, or at least not putting in a 100%. Blame it on the absolute inability to alter my grade upwards past the mark or just an excuse for blatant slacking, this is officially my most relaxed sem ever, not by nature of the modules but by choice. just when i thought last sem was my quite relaxed given the post exchange mood, the final sem takes the cake. Projects that are due in 1 or 2 weeks have barely begun to make a dent on my (and my friends) leisure activities and are somehow eluding the bright yellow to do list on my desktop. but, im loving these last moments of school life.

Speaking of desktops, mine just died. AGAIN. I've replaced that damn gfx card like 200000 times already and it never fails to die on me in exactly the same manner every year. Except that this time, it has only been 3 mths since i last changed it.

p.s: i had to read thru this short post twice to check for grammar errors because im so damn tired after 2 days of morning class. how am i ever going to work next time

不小心回到那一天

2009-03-02T10:39:00.000-08:00

After a relatively long hiatus, im back, burnt, flaking of the back from too much sun in phuket and just started school after the midterm break. I keep peeling stuff off my back and its becoming a habit. Firstly with a youtube video to start things off. Unfortunately the embedding in this truly classic youtube video has been disabled so just click on the link, trust me you wont regret it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygtBxhFc24A

On that note my favorite one is the vehicle overturn. Hey that takes a real talent to do something like that.

Its almost 3am now and i wonder what im up blogging at this hr especially when i have 8.30 mindnumbing MA class tmr. Been thinking about couple of things recently, like how i shld have pursued my dreams earlier, how i should have thought about where i was going before i entered SMU doing economics. Exploring jobs today it dawned on me that the door to a life of working with animals closed long ago. So many things to explore after O levels, A levels, yet the path i took was the one most trodden, a safe route to a university doing something normal. Yet so many opportunites have closed; degree in aquaculture, fisheries, zoology, all but a distant past.

Yes i could go do it all over again, but we all have limited resources. Looks like the path to take is set for me, unless i run off into the brush and make my own path in the wilderness. For now its back to the job search and applications which take seemingly forever to fill in.

On that note, someone asked me why is this specific guy always getting the girls. I thought the answer was simple enough, money and power. And this guy is sure to have both sooner rather than later. Combine that with the fact that he doesnt look like a toad is a pretty nice fella, and you have a babe magnet pretty much. Simple as that and how pragmatic the world has become from when we all just...... a little younger, a little more foolish, a little more of a dreamer.

Well after all that, SDU is gonna send me something soon. Time to hit the sack /slp

Been a long time coming

2009-02-20T09:39:00.000-08:00

Its that time of the semester again, the friday before the midterm break. This being the 8th and final midterm break that im having, i am sad to say that i squandered this glorious occasion away on meaningless activities such as studying and projects during the past few midterm breaks. Hence to make up for this, im off to the land of smiles, thailand, phuket.

Then it suddenly dawned on me that after 4 long years in Smu, i've made good friends, discovered once again that i hate studying, i can never get to school for 8.30 classes on time, soon i'm never going to get afternoon naps again, not for a long time at least, and im never going to live the life of a student any more in about 7 weeks from now, for better or worse.

But for now im relishing the company of the folks ive known in school during these short 4 years.

I thought i had much more to write, but suddenly it eludes me. be back later.

Pleased

2009-02-13T09:45:00.000-08:00

I'm pleased on 2 counts.

1. GST package says i get 200 bucks on 1st march and another 200 bucks on 1st july.
2. Bleach is done with fillers and on with the rest of the story.

Good night.

karaoke

2009-02-12T09:58:00.000-08:00

Heres a video of 2 korean girls singing karaoke and they appear on some variety show. Doesnt matter if you dont know what they are singing. Just watch.

Priceless.

A valentine's day message

2009-02-11T08:45:00.000-08:00

I sense of relief washes over me as i'm finally past the dreaded tues and weds morning classes. I wonder how i am going to get up every morning to go to work at 8 in the future. But for now im content with going to bed right after this. Having heard so much over the past few days from some people, its that time of the year again. Valentines day. People asking me for gift ideas, asking me to buy roses cause they are cheap and give to random girls, people asking what are my plans(somemore no offence meant), people asking me to hint to their bfs that they should actually plan something for valentines. An observation from all this. Its amazing how some people seem to gripe about their partners yet when i ask them why dont you do something about it, the topic always changes. From what i know avoiding issues doesnt eliminate them. Well, theres always a huge carpet where people shovel all the nasty stuff underneath, just hoping it doesnt start rotting eventually.

Come to think of it its been way long since i've been single on a valentines day. 7 years. Kinda surprises me.

The last one was spent leaving on a jet plane for exchange, and that didnt seem that long ago, yet it is. 1 year ago seems eons ago. A time when everything seemed 1 year simpler, 1 year less of heavy laden memories, 1 year less of sorrows, 1year less of joys. Looking at your blog, i am saddened. I could say i'm sorry a million times, but that wouldnt do any good. I'm sorry i couldn't lie, I'm sorry i still cant, I'm sorry for everything that has happened. I trust that one day you will find that happiness in the special someone. because i haven't.

"Dont be with someone you can live with, be with someone you can't live without."

but the irony of it all is that we all can live without that someone, no matter how special he/she is

eventually, somehow.

I've done it. More than once.

累

2009-02-09T03:28:00.000-08:00

Before i begin my quest to finish my MA hw and a whole host of annoying activities this week, i decided that coming here to type some random crap will induce some sense of fear into me so i will stop procrastinating. So without further ado, let me list out the stuff that i have to do this week.

Starting tmr,

Tue: MA hw due (havent started)
Corp Rep Project meeting (havent started prep)
Wed: EBC class (havent started on proj at all）
Thurs: Com service from 11-6
Friday: Urban econs presentation(barely started)

Next Tue: Another MA quiz

= 累

If theres a camel up the hill

2009-02-06T08:47:00.001-08:00

i havent blogged for something perhaps because of the recent monotony of things but well this video made me start

I will give you plankton.

The Story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears

2009-01-28T08:22:00.000-08:00

I was talking to some people today about frog leg porridge and somehow the conversation gravitated to Goldilocks.

First of all, we concluded that Goldilocks is a real bitch.

In case we cant remember this childhood classic, lets revisit it because i realized i couldnt remember the ending of the story, and apparently it has a couple of endings.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Goldilocks. She went for a walk in the forest. Pretty soon, she came upon a house. She knocked and, when no one answered, she walked right in.

At the table in the kitchen, there were three bowls of porridge. Goldilocks was hungry. She tasted the porridge from the first bowl.

"This porridge is too hot!" she exclaimed.

So, she tasted the porridge from the second bowl.

"This porridge is too cold," she said

So, she tasted the last bowl of porridge.

"Ahhh, this porridge is just right," she said happily and she ate it all up.

After she'd eaten the three bears' breakfasts she decided she was feeling a little tired. So, she walked into the living room where she saw three chairs. Goldilocks sat in the first chair to rest her feet.

"This chair is too big!" she exclaimed.

So she sat in the second chair.

"This chair is too big, too!" she whined.

So she tried the last and smallest chair.

"Ahhh, this chair is just right," she sighed. But just as she settled down into the chair to rest, it broke into pieces!

Goldilocks was very tired by this time, so she went upstairs to the bedroom. She lay down in the first bed, but it was too hard. Then she lay in the second bed, but it was too soft. Then she lay down in the third bed and it was just right. Goldilocks fell asleep.

As she was sleeping, the three bears came home.

"Someone's been eating my porridge," growled the Papa bear.

"Someone's been eating my porridge," said the Mama bear.

"Someone's been eating my porridge and they ate it all up!" cried the Baby bear.

"Someone's been sitting in my chair," growled the Papa bear.

"Someone's been sitting in my chair," said the Mama bear.

"Someone's been sitting in my chair and they've broken it all to pieces," cried the Baby bear.

They decided to look around some more and when they got upstairs to the bedroom, Papa bear growled, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed,"

"Someone's been sleeping in my bed, too" said the Mama bear

"Someone's been sleeping in my bed and she's still there!" exclaimed Baby bear.

AND THEN THE BEARS ATE HER

RARRRWWWWWWW YUM YUM YUM YUM CRUNCH CRUNCH

Goldilocks was never found again.

Chinese new year musings

2009-01-26T02:48:00.000-08:00

Its chu yi of the chinese new year and i realised that with each passing year, i get increasingly annoyed by the incessant blaring of chinese new year tunes belted out on air and everywhere as the festive period approaches, blame it on globalization or a change in the festive mood each passing year, the overly happy noisy tunes just irritate me enough to force me to plug into my ipod when on the car going on visitations to relatives places.

Upon reaching the relatives place in the afternoon, i am greeted by the sight of literally dozens of people milling around, of which less than 1/4 of the names are familiar to me. Makes me wish they stuck around a little longer each year so that i could get to know who the heck my relatives really are. Its as if on cue when my family arrives, less than an hour later these unknown folks which appear once a year disappear again, not to be seen till..next year.

Well this year was interesting with most of the random small talk focusing on how bad the economy is how its probably a good time to continue studying and the only people that are hiring is probably mac donalds which pays $5 an hour. This year, being stuck with a nasty gastric flu is bad given that it limits the reckless indulgence that i usually partake during the festive season because anything more than half of my usual food intake and i will be inclined to expel the contents on either end. On another note random comments on marriage are being thrown around which is a clear sign that im getting older but thank god my sis is around to take the brunt of it while she has her bf around leaving me safe from the questions. In fact, shes probably getting married next year or the following. Damn fast. Also, despite the comments on marriage, without fail i get the comment on "oh how go army already or not?" yah thank you i look young.

Each chinese new year just gets more and more interesting.

Old friends, new times.

2009-01-22T10:27:00.001-08:00

Strange how people can be so familiar after not meeting them for half a year, how it seems like nothing has changed and things were just like before. Same familiar faces, same laughter, same feelings again. Yet undoubtedly things have changed so much. Even if its the same people all over again. Quietly, i contemplate here how things have changed since a short half a year ago.

To Matt and Eva, welcome to Singapore. May everything work out for you guys.

as the days pass, its been exactly a month and someone still owes me something. But i'm beginning to forget what it is already, even if was the last thing i asked of.

Nine foot Giant pangasius catfish

2009-01-20T08:27:00.000-08:00

Photo Copyright Suthep KRITSANAVARIN

One of the largest ever recorded Giant catfishes has been caught by fishermen in Thailand.

The Giant Mekong catfish, Pangasius (Pangasianodon) gigas, weighed in at 646 lbs/293 kg - that's about the same weight as five St Bernard dogs, or 7.69 Kylie Minogues - and measured just under nine feet in length.

Zeb Hogan, who is involved in a World Wildlife Fund and National Geographic Society project looking at some of the world's largest freshwater fish species said: "We've now confirmed now that this catfish is the current record holder, an astonishing find.

"It's amazing to think that giants like this still swim in some of the world's rivers.

I'm thrilled that we've set a new record, but we need to put this discovery in context: these giant fish are uniformly poorly studied and some are critically endangered."

"My study of giant freshwater fish is showing a clear and global pattern: the largest fish species are disappearing. The challenge is clear - we must find methods to protect these species and their habitats. By acting now, we can save animals like the Mekong giant catfish from extinction."

- PFK website

Dangerous Fish

2009-01-19T10:33:00.000-08:00

ARRGGHHH

6 INCH LONG 1/2 INCH WIDE

ARGGGGHHH

Tree on a plain

2009-01-18T10:55:00.000-08:00

I just had to post this.

Awesome.

The Dark Knight

2009-01-13T10:06:00.000-08:00

I confess to watching the dark knight repeatedly since i got it on my pc thanks to gerry. Personal opinion here but i felt it was the best movie in the 2nd half of 2008 thanks to a stellar performance by Heath Ledger as the Joker and i'm glad he won the best supporting actor award in the Emmy's. Classic phrase being

*You wanna know how i got these scars"

Comments about batman not being confident enough in this movie can be heard by some disgruntled comic book fans but in all fairness, this is a young batman and by far Christian Bale is THE batman compared to micheal keaton, val kilmer, and GASP george clooney. URGH.

Something caught my eye in the show, there was a particular scene at the end of the show where Alfred burns the letter meant for Bruce Wayne from Rachael with the narration in the background..

Sometimes the truth isnt good enough.

Sometimes people deserve more,

sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded.

*clap clap*

creatures in the night

2009-01-11T11:23:00.000-08:00

its 3am. I hear the alarm bells from a car or lift ringing for what seems like an eternity. It makes me think that the whole world has disappeared into the night air. It almost makes me feel like i have to grab a shotgun and be prepared to shoot anything that claws its way past the front gate. Its awfully quiet outside other than the incessant ringing of the alarm. I actually start to think about what if all this were real and theres no one left but me and those creatures lurking outside.

I watch/play too many zombie movies/games.

I should get some sleep:)

totally random at 3am

2009-01-07T10:33:00.000-08:00

With the start of the new school term and the 2 consecutive days of 830 classes have taken its toll on me and im wishing that school didnt have to start this early.

Dex and me were so bored after class that we went to watch......PONYO on the cliff by the sea. Well i kinda liked the animation and art of the show and its a rather feel good show i guess though a little draggy. Well it was 6 bucks and i had no expectations at all for the movie so i guess its decent thou nothing i would watch if we werent bored shitless. Watched 7 Pounds a couple of days ago too and i'll admit it i watched it because of Will Smith. Pretty decent show except that it was once again a little slow and i kinda saw the twist in the story coming. The thing that makes the show watchable is probably Will's acting in the show. I'm impressed how he managed to cross over to serious acting from not so serious roles starting with Fresh prince of Bel air which happened to be one of the shows i liked when i was growing up. 3.5 stars out of 5.

Classes so far have been mind numbing because practically nothing goes in because i just aint interested in studying yet, at least for this 1st week. In reality i actually have stuff to do but i'm just procrastinating as usual. In one of my random conversations at school, we were commenting that the scenic index of SMU seems to be on an upward trend and hopefully its not just because its the 1st week of school because by week 12 everyone will be trudging around and perpetually in the library wasting their youth away. Well, its my final semester and honestly i cant really be bothered with nonsense like class participation, and much less for professors who spend 20 minutes talking about class participation. Finally its a free day tmr in between classes and i'm looking forward to a whole day at home...hopefully doing something. For the first time i feel guilty im still slacking.

Reflections

2009-01-01T09:07:00.000-08:00

First of all, a new year post is in order since i haven't posted anything recently.

Happy new year to everyone who reads this.

Well, from what i know a couple of people, myself included aren't too happy at this start of 2009. And to pour some cold water on people who call a new year a new beginning, i have this line i said from ages ago that can be applied to birthdays too.

'Same shit, different day.'

So technically, if u were in some shit at the end of 2008, don't expect that to magically go away at the stroke of midnight as you welcome in 2009.

If anything of course a new year is always an occasion to celebrate with friends and family and other halves and i'm grateful i have my relatives and family to spend this time with.

Speaking about the 2008 that just went by in a flash, i decided to think about the events of 2008 while i was in the shower. To start with, it was definitely a roller coaster ride of emotions and feelings and would be a year to be remembered for many more to come. In retrospect, despite the downs of 2008, it was definitely a year of highs.

To start off the year, exchange in europe in Austria was definitely a high. Longest time away from home and honestly, i relished the new found freedom and the experience of living abroad in europe. Fell in and out of love, twice, and i've learnt a whole lot about love, and the lesson was fucking painful. Sometimes we are tempted to say our fate is all in our own hands and we can change the course of things if we just try hard enough, if we take matters into our own hands . True, we have the freedom as humans to do what we like but eventually, if something isnt meant to be, it never will no matter how hard you try.

I had to make a lot of difficult decisions in 2008, but looking back although things may not have worked out the way i wanted it to, i have no regrets making the choices that i did, no matter how difficult or foolish they may have been.

To the optimist, Happy new year, its a new beginning.

To the proverbial pessimist, Hang in there, shit happens. (but you know that already)

Someone owes me something from 2008, and i don't know if i'm ever going to get it and even if i do, i'm not sure i'm ready for it.

Christmas gifts

2008-12-25T20:00:00.000-08:00

Probably irrelevant post coming up. I would like to gripe on Christmas gifts for myself. Rules for buying Christmas gifts.

1. Dont buy a gift unless you really know that someone(dont waste the money and dont waste the space in the guys house, he probably doesnt like it and he has to fake it.)

2. If u absolutely must, then buy something that you can actually use and wont be embarassed to use it (example household things)

3. Do NOT buy clothes because if that someone is particular about what he wears, like me, you are going to get it wrong and he wont wear it and he cant give it away either. Well, unless you know what i like but i would say there are only 2-3 people who can figure out with 75% accuracy what clothes/accessories i like.

4. As much as it may seem attractive, DO NOT RECYCLE unwanted gifts. Well not unless they are damned nice/expensive but you are just have no more space for them anymore.

So for me, gifts that i would really appreciate even if u dont know much about me.

1. Books. (Good novels) ---> NOT harry potter and the like(no offense)
2. Tech stuff(i'm always too lazy to buy them even though i like them)
3. PC games. (with a >90% rating on PC gamer) I haven't bought a game for few years.
4. DVD box set of movies.

but of course if u can impress me with getting me clothing/anything related to appearances that i actually like then full marks.

Btw i dont usually get people christmas gifts, heck, i dont even get people gifts when im back from holidays, but when i do you can be sure i put 101% effort into it.

Feliz Navida

2008-12-24T10:59:00.000-08:00

First of all,

Merry Christmas to everyone!

I declare that putting your relationship status can quite possibly be a bad choice. I was reminded of this fact when i saw one of my friend's declare that her relationship was over with this other guy. Well, it may be nice to announce to the world that you 2 are in love and have just begun a journey of love but when it comes to an end, changing that status can be more painful than the joy of putting it there in the first place. Not to mention announcing to the world that you have just broken up with so and so who might be a mutual friend of whoever is reading it, come to think of it, the facebook database now has a record of your broken relationships. It also leads to questions on how to end the relationship (example: "is this your way of officially ending our relationship?") How is someone supposed to do this anyway?! So what you wait for one party to say 'Ok this is enough, time to take this status off facebook' and the other party says the exact same thing as quoted in the above example.

Well to each his own.

But dont say i didnt warn you before you put up the relationship status with that pretty/handsome young thing on facebook.

being slightly random tonight,

to all you people who write xmas, do me a favor and change it to christmas because ultimately this is a day when christ was born, so dont replace that with an x. Never noticed that until couple of years ago when this was pointed out in church.

Snowflake

2008-12-22T07:58:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow i hope to have a new chapter of my life. I'm coming home, physically and literally. I am so unbelievably tired physically and mentally after this whole trip, it feels like i could sleep for days. It snowed today for the first time and the night before im leaving. I could almost call it last snow instead of first snow. It was so beautiful, the snowflakes drifting through the air landing softly creating a thin layer of soft snow all around. Have you ever noticed a perfect snowflake up close? Its intricate structure, its alluring softness, the beauty of it? Yet when touched with the bare hand, it melts away leaving nothing but a drop of water on your hand. Blame the strange fascination or ignorance on someone who has always been in a tropical country. Tommorow i am going to meet you for the last time. But i dont think i want to. I dont want to read that letter you have for me. Its all already so clear.

And today someone told me 'I deserve so much better.' I was inclined to agree for awhile but after thinking about it I realised that i got exactly what i deserved and i can blame no one for it, no one but myself for my own foolishness.

Annyung, na eh sarang.

2008-12-21T16:58:00.000-08:00

1 Day before departure. Well i thought about writing this at night after seeing her but i guess i'd better write it now. Not so sure if i want to put it in writing after tonight. I changed my mind i dont know what to write anymore. Or rather what is there left to write? I know when i go back it will probably be the last we ever see of each other. I know that when i'm gone you wont be thinking of me, you're much too busy for that anyway. I dont want to break down today. I dont wanna turn around today and see her after we wave goodbye. But i think i will.

I hope that i wont be thinking of you when i'm gone.

Annyung, na eh sarang.

Goodbye, my love.

Alone for a day

2008-12-18T06:49:00.000-08:00

I guess i should blog since im back earlier than usual, today was shopping day and i did a lot of damage. Well more specifically, i bought..... a shirt, pants, bagpack, tshirt today and i wont go into the specifics it cost about....140,000 won which is about....150+ sgd. Well i havent shopped much prior to this so i guess its ok. Strange though that the tshirt is the most expensive item in the list. But for people who know me well enough, its normal. Had a whole day by myself and i must say that i was quite productive even though i left the hostel late as usual. I visited noryangjin fish market which is quite amazing even for an asian market because its ALL seafood and lots of types that you wouldnt see in singapore. Heck i even saw 2 lemon sharks in the fish tanks swimming around. I would say this has been more fascinating than any aquarium that i've been to and i've been to the one at COEX in Seoul. But if you arent fascinated by seafood or fishes then....give this place a miss. Its kinda wet and fishy. Its funny how i got a comment from a korean auntie at the fish stall that i have pretty eyes in korean. HOW COME I DONT GET THAT FROM BABES.

Anyhow after that i was off to dongdaemun to haggle and bargain for my stuff and i think i achieved a feat today cos i pissed off the shop owner by doing some 'excessive bargaining' but after all i dont think i got the best deal leh. Oh well. After the whole day of shopping i was off to apjujeong to buy my tee and drink my new favourite drink from this cafe chain called beans and bins(dont ask me why the name is so odd) The ice green tea latte is awesome and went perfectly with a portion of murakami. I'm beginning to like travelling on my own. (save for the fact that i spent excessively today)

Be back in sg soon. Next tues.

i kinda miss our local food.

2008-12-15T17:51:00.000-08:00

Ah after a pretty long absence away from my blog, its time to blog again. Perhaps its a little too much free time on my hands, or perhaps it just the need to write to put some thoughts in order. Well since the last time i was speechless maybe i can finally pen down some of the things that are swimming around in my head. Maybe. I just paused for about 2-3 mins before writing this and i dont even know where to begin. Lets start with feelings despite how they are usually an inaccurate and terribly irrational way to start explaining anything. Currently, im numb like a patient who is permanently on morphine, constantly aware of the pain that lies beneath the effects of the drugs at work. Not that its a bad thing, beats constant pain hands down. Well, occasionally there are sharp pangs of pain that lasts no more than a couple of minutes like when she gets a phone call which could be from her bf, or when i say something stupid only to realise that this isnt what it used to be anymore, or when those horrid sweet dreams of both of us come to me at night, and that really gets me down. I think those dreams are a side effect of me suppressing the thoughts to a far flung corner of my mind. I'm a little pissed that i have been having those dreams quite often and it really needs to stop if i'm to move on. Nevertheless, life goes on and i'm moderately happy to say that i achieved at least half i wanted to come here for.

By writing this i realised that i need to accomplish the other half of what i came here for, that is to hear the truth of it. I was deliberating if i should before this, and the pointlessness of it all from hearing whatever meaning there is to 'i just dont love you anymore' or 'i never really liked you anyway' and the endless why's and why not's. Then i realised that the dreams i have of her might continue recurring if i dont hear the truth. So i think its something i have got to do. I didnt spend all this money to come here to get things half done. The only question is when should i ask and how shld i do it.

speechless

2008-12-11T17:46:00.000-08:00

speechless

2008-12-07T05:46:00.000-08:00

I just realized that my blog url is an irony indeed. a big fat one

utterly, totally, completely

2008-12-07T05:21:00.001-08:00

I just heard something from a friend that really shocked me. I suddenly realized how insignificant i am. I'm glad you know what you want in life. I'm glad your direction is as clear as glass. I'm glad you got what you so desire, and i'm glad this just gives me one more reason to come to my senses. But i'm sad i had to hear this from a friend. I'm sorry i am just being a burden, something that stands in your way. Don't ask me what i am writing about. I'll talk for hours. Lets just say maybe i might need a map in Korea after all.

In a way, i can hear the small nagging voices of, 'i told you so'

and to respond to them

I just had to know, i just had to see, and even if it kills me, so be it.

Because after all

I still

feel for you.

Finally.

2008-12-07T02:45:00.000-08:00

Its been a hectic week and finally things are quite settled, ready to go on my trip, met up with the pri sch people, bought stuff. Thanks to all the people who helped me out on everything this week and listened to my crap.

Its kind of surreal that i should be seeing her tmr morning. And i'm excited but a little apprehensive. I dont know if i take another parting 2 weeks later.

At least i'll enjoy the weather for sure:)

Solo flight to korea!

Be back on the 23rd. Ciao.

CNN.com

2008-12-02T10:17:00.000-08:00

Update! Thai prime minister forced to step down after being proven guilty of rigging votes in the election. I dont care anyway BUT its good that the yellow shirted protesters are finally happy and leaving the airport. Now the red shirted guys are pissed but who cares. Thai airport set to be opened on thursday.

However still dont know if the flight is going to go ahead on monday. I hate this limbo.

and to make everything a little more interesting, my desktop just died.

what is going on man.

saving grace of the whole week, A+ for labor econs. LOL.

Sense of purpose

2008-12-01T11:17:00.000-08:00

Is something that i've been a little lacking after the exams. Blame it on job rejection, sheer apathy, holiday mood and perhaps a little too much dota.

Just read more news.

Good news: the protesters in thailand have left parliament building
.
.
.

Bad News: They are headed for the 2 airports to shore up numbers there.

WTH

Dear God

2008-11-30T11:29:00.000-08:00

Dear God,

It suddenly hit me. My flight passes through Bangkok for a transfer. Please stop the people from protesting in Thailand. Please get them out of the airport. Its very important to me. Probably more than anything else i can think of right now. I wish i never had this premonition. It looks like its coming true.

I need to leave. Please let me go.

PISSED

2008-11-29T13:11:00.000-08:00

I just had to post this despite it being 5.10 in the morning. Well i got home late today basically at about 4.45a.m after dropping some friends off after theo's thing.

Well apparently my dad called at about 3.30 while i was driving and asked where i was, firstly i was appalled that they were not in bed and fast asleep, and i answered on the way back.

BIG MISTAKE. what should i have said was, oh i'm sending some friends back i'll be late dont wait up.

So when i got home at 4.45(note this post isnt about griping about sending you guys back) i had a pleasant surprise waiting for me.

Furious moms. Not good. She was camping and waiting for me i swear. The moment i shut the padlock on the house door, it was like sealing myself in for good. She emerged from the room and a flurry of words were hurled at me starting with WHY ARE YOU SO LATE.

I think what really enraged me was couple of sentences into the argument she actually commented why must you send your friends back. I WAS SO PISSED at that point of time and i usually try to avoid arguments especially at 5am in the morning but this really was like a slap on the face. i DIDNT get the point she was making. Finally, my dad ended the argument with a comment that next time tell us if u are not coming straight home we were worried.

Alright. Point taken. WHY MUST WE TALK SO MUCH COCK WHEN ALL YOU WANTED TO SAY WAS THAT

but. I know. Its more than that. Its more than being worried. ITS THE CONTROL FREAK in my mom thats talking. She just cant admit it.

and that just makes me MORE PISSED.

wow i haven't been so pissed in a long time.

I regret to inform you you regret to inform me

2008-11-28T08:23:00.000-08:00

Mixed feelings now, firstly good feelings cos i'm finally done with year 4 sem 1. Big big YAY. This day almost felt like an eternity to come but well now that its all over i'm glad to say i survived even though today's paper kinda killed me.

The next part of the feelings isnt so nice and it starts with reading this in my email.

"'We regret to inform you that after careful consideration, ....blah blah blah...SLP."

I thought i did decently well at the interview but maybe i wasnt exactly what they were looking for, or some totally zai guy got interviewed too and got it. Well cant let something like this get me down because....after all.....

ITS THE HOLIDAYS NOW! I'm going to take the weekend of from the job search.

just got to get down to looking for other options later. urgh.

2008-11-27T08:07:00.000-08:00

chanced upon this quote off a random blog.

“Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes... just be an illusion.”

indeed, indeed.

USTUTUTUTUTUTUT

2008-11-27T02:53:00.000-08:00

The post below does not reflect my view but i found it quite amusing. its taken off a random forum

"First they kill off D.L. Hawkins, leave the Hatian alone because his powers pwn, then they wanna kill Utusu?

I mean really, we have Obama as president already.

They should have just knocked out Knox since he's the bad guy if they had to choose. Bring BACK Utusu!

I don't know if it has anything to do with that? I hope not.

I just don't think they should have killed Utusu. Especially the WAY they did it too, it's like watching that journalist getting beheaded in that terrorist video. What did he really do to deserve it? Really?"

HAHAHAHA

Quote of the day

2008-11-27T02:41:00.000-08:00

"I trust Berkshire Hathaway while 78-year-old Mr Buffett remains at the helm. The only thing that worries me is that he may have a shorter expiry date than his options."

- taken from an article on FT.com

Finally, 1 more paper. At this point of time its a real battle to get myself to work even though this is probably the most horrendous subject this semester.

But, i must.

Its probably going to feel surreal once im over with the exams at noon tmr.

Facebook

2008-11-25T10:33:00.001-08:00

Recently seen on someone's facebook status

- ********* has such a small dick that he feels inferior.

random pictures

2008-11-24T05:54:00.000-08:00

Redang Island, Malaysia 2006

12 Apostles, Great Ocean Road, Melbourne Australia 2002

Kakadu National Park, Darwin, Australia 2007

Somewhere in Bangkok, Thailand 2005

Gronigen, Netherlands 2008

SMU Grading scale

2008-11-24T05:49:00.000-08:00

A= Ah okay la
B= Bad
C = Cock up
D= Die

Therefore, nothing less than an A is acceptable. I don't see people jumping for joy when they get an A but i know a person was PISSED cos he didn't get A+. :)

Please note: the title of the post is smu grading scale not mine.

Everything

2008-11-23T06:03:00.000-08:00

Its never good to dwell on the past but i guess reminiscing doesnt hurt. With a sudden pang, i miss everyone back in graz. It just seemed like yesterday.

My crazy housemate claudio the drunk animal, ignacio the destroyer, the legends.

Matt and eva the crazy tall short dutch taiwanese couple

Henrik ever welcoming and hospitable

Hiroko, Megumi the very interesting travel companions

Meindert, Jamie, Ondra

Jieun.

The travelling

The frisbee and lawning in stat park

The daily dinners

The cooking the supermarket shopping

The cycling with the wind in my hair

Studying the night before the exam

Knowing it wouldnt matter

The nights on my balcony with a cup of hot tea

The friendships

The turkish shop, Billa, Hofer

so many other things

and her.

and all of a sudden i'm back in my air conditioned room in singapore.

I'm blogging too much its unhealthy.

John Chapter 8

2008-11-22T23:09:00.000-08:00

There was once a woman who was caught in adultery. The world looked upon and scorned her and judged her. They wanted to kill her for her sin, to stone her, publicly. They asked Jesus, what should we do with her. He wrote on the ground with his finger but they persisted. He answered "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone." There was an awkward silence. One by one the crowd dispersed and Jesus was left with the woman. Finally Jesus asked "Where are they? Has anyone condemned you?" "No, not one." the woman replied. To that Jesus replied. "Neither do i condemn you, now go and sin no more."

-John Chapter 8-

Feeling Unproductive

2008-11-22T11:32:00.001-08:00

I spent the whole day at home today and i didnt get much done. Tomorrow i've got to get up at 7.50am to go to church which is about 4 hours of sleep since its 3 plus now and since i figured im getting so little sleep anyway, i might as well blog a little.

Anyway the english language is a sad language, there are so many words to express sadness yet relatively few to express happiness. Note that this isnt my own hypothesis but rather from my professor so if you are interested to find out if thats really true, go ahead but offhand there seems to be some truth to that statement.

Talked to a friend today who was having troubles in her relationship and she had this sad nickname on msn which said " A million reasons to leave, only 1 reason to stay." But that 1 reason to stay gave her enough strength to carry on, to ignore all the signs, ignore all the hurt that she felt inside. This girl endured a lot of crap from her bf, almost too much for me to stand by and watch but i'm not in any position to judge or take any action. Stupidity on her part to continue being unhappy in this relationship, maybe. But such is the power of love, it shoves rationality aside and just consumes you not allowing any other thoughts to occupy your mind. She comments "I dont know what to do without him" I am left speechless, i have no more comforting words, all i can do is listen.

She sighs and says i wish i could be like you. So rational and so strong.

I'm not.

i can give advice i can offer a listening ear but that doesnt mean i behave rationally under the same circumstances. I've been there before.

The song playing on my player is a familiar one.
Its a song with a happy ending to it but it has these words in between

"Now i know what a fool i've been, but if you kiss me now i know you'll fool me again."

Such is the power of love.

Havent we all been there before?

I hope so because we havent truly lived until we've loved someone like that before.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

2008-11-21T04:49:00.000-08:00

I'm in school right now and for some reason everytime i study i get this headache which feels like someone is pinching my forehead and there is this dull ache in the front of my head. It cant be that i'm using too much brain power, the stuff i'm doing isnt that hard for now. But it certainly is irritating the heck out of me. On to other stuff, WHY IS THERE ALWAYS RENOVATIONS GOING ON IN MY BLOCK ABOVE ME.

9a.m. BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

*wakes up*

noise stops. BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

9.05: Fumbles around the table for ear plugs

9.10-9.40 Bad sleep interupted by bouts of BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

9.45: finally drags myself out of bed.

And this isnt the first time that this is happening. This crap happens every 6mths to a year i mean how often can these people renovate their homes??!!

Well i should wake up early anyway but i'm not really a morning person and nothing important never got accomplished waking up early.

2008-11-20T08:00:00.000-08:00

I

Stained glass masquerade
Perfect unbreakable sunshine
Painfully perfect behind Venetian masks
I’ll have one on too

Know my intimate demons within
Gnawing hiding unleashed
Grotesquely familiar to me
I’m the very thing I hate

As sure as clockwork the performance plays itself out
Keep it on long enough and maybe I’ll fool myself
Am I the only human here

Three times is one too many
Eye for an eye
Where is fairness in the last blow
I’m all alone in my fight of faith
For who can see the emptiness beneath

Love the world too much
Gaze upward
Trust and wait you would say
With swirling death pain and hurt
How can I believe you?

I decided to post this because my prof kirpal actually liked my work. Today was my interview with him and speaking with this man somehow lent a sense of depth and perspective to my writing and about the things that i have experienced and will experience. In the coming month i'm going to have to make a lot of decisions and i hope i'm going to have the wisdom to handle them all.

Aaaaaaasshhhhhhhhh

2008-11-19T20:28:00.000-08:00

I've been putting in record amounts of work over the past few days and its giving me a headache, havent studied so much in a long long time. haha. In any case, there is always time for rest and relaxation and i happened to come across this piano piece on youtube of one of my favourite chinese*gasp* songs for a couple of reasons. Well listening to this just makes me feel how would it would be if i didnt give up those music lessons that my parents tried to impose on me a young age. Probably one of the things that i really wished i would be able to do is play a musical instrument or rather specifically guitar/piano/sax. You could say that sure i can still learn it now but i think the opportunity costs are much higher now. okstopwhining.

About school, prof has just cancelled a review session and somehow i'm semi pleased with that despite the fact that additonal revision is probably a good thing for me.

Oh someone proposed to his gf during starry night last week, glad to see that some SMU students are looking further ahead into their happiness other than just going to the library and mugging their semester away. But thats exactly where i'm headed to right now after this.

Aaaaaassssshhhhhhhhh.

Looking forward to the hols in dec man.

Back to work

2008-11-17T08:10:00.000-08:00

After all that prep, i'm glad the interview went reasonably well i think and the questions that were asked weren't all that tough but maybe it was because i was quite relaxed, i think it was one of the interviewers who really put me at ease. Which is a good thing of course. Well, its over now and i have to get back to the books. urgh. I'm hoping for a second round but i'll just have to wait and see till next week on how that works out.

LABOR ECONS HERE I COME

Very very important day tmr.

2008-11-16T04:10:00.001-08:00

In the midst of preparing for exams, the prospect of a getting a job has never been more pressing and because of that, studies have been shoved aside at least till tomorrow to prepare for the interview. A team of 9 probably hiring one or two persons, probably a whole bunch of bright graduates vying for the same job, what are the odds?

Even getting this interview is a blessing man.

If i nail this job, you can be SURE its something more than me at work here.

Fingers are crossed!

Shouldnt be blogging

2008-11-09T21:03:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting in the school library procrastinating on my labor econs project presentation which is due tmr but i just don't feel in the mood for it now. Maybe i'll be in just about the time i'm done with this post. After slacking for a royal amount this semester, its finally dawned on me that if i dont do crazy mugging every day i am probably gonna get shitty grades this semester so i guess its a good time to start - week 13. haha.

Theres a light rain pouring outside the window and i dont want to go home just yet,

and suddenly, i don't know what i wanted to write this post for.

Be back later when i think of it.

Something Humid, Something Cool.

2008-11-06T08:48:00.000-08:00

Thought i'd post something i wrote in kirpal's class(we had to write a poem with that title) BEFORE I start working on portfolio quiz at 1a.m.

Something Humid, Something Cool.

Mirrors and mist

Self is lost in the heavy humidity All

Attempts to eradicate my life of the unclean

Essence of myself flowed down the drainpipes of time, Forgotten

Anticipation, for the new me to sharpen

Wiping the returning blur, Impatiently

Its not time

Alas, when its all over

It isn’t me I see

Of what passion used to be.

Lost

2008-11-04T11:32:00.001-08:00

Complicated dreams fade with the morning
Snow falls like ashes scattered over a battlefield
Memories of a summer in flames

Soulless eyes wide open
Nothing returns from the dreamscapes

Foolish desire tempts me

Choose to enter the door of truth
Vivid images flood the world
Drowning out all in its wake
Too sharp
Too piercing
Too painful

Open my eyes

Maybe its better this way,

Lost.

School and more

2008-11-04T11:02:00.000-08:00

3a.m and i'm blogging.

Its week 12 around me and the people around me are dropping like flies to the strain of SMU workload. Me? For some strange reason i rise above the ashes relatively unperturbed by the ongoing chaos that unfolds around me. Sure i get a little disgruntled by the bazaar that miraculously appears outside level 3 of econs block, with tables being dragged out of the study rooms to the corridor, amazed by friends who survive on miniscule hours of sleep, spoil market people going for interviews in suits, applying for jobs which have applications that have a whole load of crap to answer, with skill sets as diverse as almost anything under the sun that you might as well ask for someone who is just good in every damned thing and a whole host of things that trouble the average SMU student. I could rant about those things written here for all its worth but that would just be wasting time.

But other than those minor annoyances, well everything goes pretty much as per normal, i get my 7 hrs of sleep, i take a nap when i get too tired, i do random shit like watch kindergarten cop at 1.30am on HBO just because arnold movies make me laugh. Oh almost forgot- i also do my projects and term papers and study for my quizzes. I dont particularly pride myself for being the efficient kind but somehow i seem to have quite a bit of time on my hand and its worrying sometimes.

As much as i dont like being a sucker for peer pressure, the proximity of datelines and exams in 3 weeks time is starting to irritate me, like a persistant mosquito buzzing in the ear on a hot summer night.

Well but when i get down to serious work, nothing really distracts me (once msn is off) other than the occasional thought of you.

Ah next semester, final semester. I think i'm going to go out with a bang with the crap that awaits me next sem.

1. Corp Reporting
2. Management Accounting
3. Urban Economics and Real Estate
4. Entreprenuership and Business creation

Nasty stuff.

I've got to give credit to wenhoo for this since its directly plagarised off his blog although its not written by him but from the musical Avenue Q.

There’s a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There’s a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know ’til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.

There’s a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

Nothing could be further from the truth - even if its a bunch of muppets singing it.

i guess this rings true too

2008-11-02T01:05:00.000-07:00

commonly heard phrase - "You can cheat some people all the time, you might even cheat anyone sometimes, but u cant cheat everyone all the time."

but i guess this rings true too

"You can be brave in front of everyone all of the time, but u cant always be brave when you are all alone, all of the time."

I GOT SO SCARY MEH

2008-10-30T06:40:00.000-07:00

I was walking back home at around 9pm and i just managed to catch the lift at the first level of my block and there was a middle aged woman inside the lift. THE MOMENT i stepped into the lift and pressed the level to get off, she got out of the lift. I bet she was scared that i would rob her. I almost laughed.

I GOT SO SCARY MEH.

Amusing nonetheless, its a first.

On another note, i can scarcely believe its week 12 of classes next week. Time is just going too fast.

19th Century Poetry

2008-10-26T13:15:00.000-07:00

Fare Thee Well by George Gordon Lord Byron

Fare thee well ! and if for ever,
Still for ever, fare thee well:
Even though unforgiving, never
'Gainst thee shall my heart rebel.

Would that breast were bared before thee
Where thy head so oft hath lain,
While that placid sleep came o'er thee
Which thou ne'er canst know again:

Would that breast by thee glanced over,
Every inmost thought could show !
Then thou wouldst at last discover
'T was not well to spurn it so.

Though the world for this commend thee ---
Though it smile upon the blow,
Even its praises must offend thee,
Founded on another's woe:

Though my many faults defaced me,
Could no other arm be found,
Than the one which once embraced me,
To inflict a cureless wound ?

Yet, oh yet, thyself deceive not;
Love may sink by slow decay,
But by sudden wrench, believe not
Hearts can thus be torn away:

Still thine own its life retaineth,
Still must mine, though bleeding, beat;
And the undying thought which paineth
Is --- that we no more may meet.

These are words of deeper sorrow
Than the wail above the dead;
Both shall live, but every morrow
Wake us from a widow'd bed.

And when thou wouldst solace gather,
When our child's first accents flow,
Wilt thou teach her to say " Father ! "
Though his care she must forego?

When her little hands shall press thee,
When her lip to thine is press'd,
Think of him whose prayer shall bless thee,
Think of him thy love had bless'd !

Should her lineaments resemble
Those thou never more may'st see,
Then thy heart will softly tremble
With a pulse yet true to me.

All my faults perchance thou knowest,
All my madness none can know;
All my hopes, where'er thou goest,
Wither, yet with thee they go.

But 't is done --- all words are idle ---
Words from me are vainer still;
But the thoughts we cannot bridle
Force their way without the will.

Fare thee well ! thus disunited,
Torn from every nearer tie,
Sear'd in heart, and lone, and blighted,
More than this I scarce can die.

Creative writing class makes you appreciate poetry. Kirpal would be proud to know his student actually reads poems after his classes.

craving.

2008-10-26T07:05:00.000-07:00

After saturday morning classes in school and working on EDA paper for a whole day, yesterday was one day where i actually felt productive. So tired at the end of it that i slept in till 2pm today, despite setting the alarm at 10am. Im trying to get the damn EDA paper done with asap so i'm going to get down to it right down to it after this and a good shower.

I was walking back home and i wondered if its possible to have an extremely strong craving for something which you never were addicted to or even tried?

Yes apparently, because i feel like i need a smoke.

random

2008-10-24T08:54:00.000-07:00

Quoting from Mr Arnold Kling,

"But the economics profession for the past thirty years instead focused on producing stochastic calculus porn to satisfy young men's urge for mathematical masturbation. Economists ought to admit that we do not know much about what is going on today."

HAHA. Finally, someone with the guts to write about how practically useless economics can be. What we've REALLY been doing is developing models to fit the data. And when some new crisis or when theres some changes to the macroeconomic environment, heck just build a new model! Sigh.

On another note altogether its deepavali on monday so i have make up classes on a saturday morning. How annoying is that.

Now time to get on that EDA paper which i've been procrastinating with.

-grunts-

blank

2008-10-20T11:40:00.000-07:00

I cant sleep after reading what you said.

I dont know what to say, i dont know what to do. Except this.

미안해. 미안해. 미안해.

사랑해.

당신을 사랑하지 않을 수 없습니다.

한별 내가 생각하는 사람은 오직 당신에.

But if you ask me to stop, i'll try.

给我的一切你不过是在敷衍.

2008-10-18T23:44:00.000-07:00

Got a quiz tmr for portfolio management but somehow im pretty calm considering how much more i need to put in before im ready for it. Recently i've been strangely tired and exhausted without doing much and i couldnt figure out the reason until a couple of days back. I'm mentally exhausted, but not from work or school. Never knew this could sap so much energy.There are mornings when i know i have more than my required doze of shuteye yet i insist on going back to sleep because i know once i wake up i have to deal with all the shit again. Its mostly about you disappearing without a trace.

You know i think im beginning to get a grip on why people committ suicide, its because they cant take the voices in their head, the doubts, the uncertainty, the pain and hurt. I know what its like, the relentless assault on the thoughts and everything just leads back to the grief no matter what you do. Oh no im not becoming suicidal or anything because i'm stronger than that. Today in church i heard something thats just rang true, grief or guilt keeps you from seeing God. Just as Peter couldnt tell it was Jesus at the shore calling out to them, i guess im in that state now, blinded by my grief. Grief. What a word to use, usually spoken when loved ones perish, a broken marriage, and well, shattered dreams. But i can think of no other word to use, because thats really how i am now. So i put on a mask, so few can see past the mask to whats within.

feels like

给我的一切你不过是在敷衍.

Feels like Max Payne

2008-10-18T03:24:00.000-07:00

Watched Max payne the movie on thursday. Well, i played the game years ago and it really was an awesome game of its time which revolutionized the gaming scene with its dark themes and film noir story not to mention bullet time which is the slow motion action sequences. But the purpose of the post is to talk about the movie. Im not going to do any spoilers here for those who havent watched the movie so dont worry about that.

First of all, in terms of how the movie follows the storyline and environment of the game, it does quite a good job in that aspect, with the snow always swirling around a dark and gloomy new york city. The basic essence of the show is similar to the story line although a tad less dark than the game. Somehow the game portrays a Max who is more tortured about the death of his wife and kids than what Mark Walhberg does in the movie. Mark plays a pretty good max payne but in my opinion Max payne is cooler than mark maybe its the lack of a trench coat on mark. The movie starts out a little slower than expected given that after the first act of the game its almost all guns blazing kind of firefight but i suppose this helped to develop the story line a little. I missed the film noir kind of experience i got from playing the game. But thats not that important, i felt what was lacking was really the lack of bullet time in the show. No im not asking for half an hour of bullet time but the only scence where there was bullet time was between him and a random thug, which is disappointing considering how fun the gameplay becomes when bullet time is used in big firefights.

Overall, definitely watch it if you have played the game, and yeah watch it anyway even if u havent, just bring someone along who has played the game along just in case. Overall, pretty good stuff considering the shit that usually comes out from making games into movies. Thumbs up.

Couldnt resist adding this

2008-10-16T12:33:00.000-07:00

Before (relatively normal)

some moments later(look at TTG's pose even if u dunno who is TTG can guess, hes the only guy with a gay pose)

This goes out to you guys.

2008-10-16T11:58:00.000-07:00

Today i was supposed to blog about Max Payne the movie but given that its 3am now i cant be bothered to write about that. But today i feel compelled to at least say a few words or more than a few words about army. Its crazy to dig up stuff thats almost 4 years old and revisit the memories but thats exactly what i just did when i found our charlie battery ORD video. After watching it again (yah bo liao right) i just felt that despite all the comments i've heard that army is such a waste of time etc etc to me i think that experience in there really shaped the person i am today and with the friends i've made in there i really dont think i could have developed that kind of friendships outside of the confines of kranji camp.

I've met so many types of people in there. Ah beng ah, cheater ah, smart people(relatively, ah u read my blog dont let it get to your head), dumb people etc etc. But today i want to thank you all for all the experiences, all the memories that i had in that span of 2yrs 4mths. I've made a couple of really good friends whom i can talk to about anything and everything under the sun. We all have our flaws and i know that with you guys i can talk about anything yet still be accepted. I saw the pictures of all of us on exercise, in the bunks, at the damn garage and when i see all of the smiles in the pictures i know the smile on my face is real and i really enjoyed the moments with you all.

Reminiscing about army days, it just reminds me when everything seemed so simple, no jobs to worry about, nothing else to care about other than revellie timings, canteen breaks and nights off. But at every stage of life when we look back it all seems so simple, because its over.

And i dont know why but i'll remember this phrase that i heard for a long time but never got to shout it out in army during marching

YI YAH OH YA FUCKILERY YAH
WE ARE THE MEN FROM THE SAI KANG BATTERY AH
(repeat x10)

okok just kidding its this one

Hey you all shout shout and echo what help him la

and to the person that said that, thank you. i'll remember it for as long as i live. You'll never know how much your words and actions can impact other people's lives.

Milo warriors.

Wallaby 2004, at burger king. OJC, me and glong.

and of course the class ross paper bag face.

random ramblings

2008-10-13T11:06:00.000-07:00

Finally got off my ass and started applying for jobs after weeks of procrastination. To my horror and dismay i realised that some of the applications have already closed. Yes, blame myself, blame the ignorance and procrastination. Oh well the game theorist in me is trying to convince me that less options can be better than more options. At least now that im finally done with the cover letter and all it makes doing applications much less of a chore.

oh randomly, i'm going to go sing gay songs with uncle tan and chong this friday. woohoo.

I'm currently working on a project for labor economics module on why Americans work more than Europeans when i came across this even more interesting piece of information.

"By far, workers in South Korea have the longest work hours in the world. The average South Korean works 2,390 hours each year, according to the OECD. This is over 400 hours longer than the next longest-working country and 34% more hours than the average in the United States." South Korea and Japan are the only countries where death by work or "karoshi" (過労死) is a recognized phenomenon."

That explains a lot.

I thought a bit about you today and i'm glad i can remember those memories like they were yesterday. Hope to hear from you soon. But i doubt you even read this anyway.

Dreamscapes

2008-10-11T04:17:00.000-07:00

Last night i had a dream. There was a girl in my dreams she wasnt spectacularly beautiful, average looking. We walked and talked all the way back to her place. She wasnt a particularly engaging conversationalist either. I had no idea why i was walking her home late at night. I dont know what made me do it but i offered her my msn email. Then i woke up. It was a face i had never seen before. The face that seemed so vivid in my dreams i just cant remember it now, only that her face was so sad looking. Maybe i'll dream of her again tonight and ask her whats going on.

I never used to dream everynight. In fact dreams were a rare occurence and they usually came when i thought too much of something during the day. Recently however, the dreams come every night. They are rarely ever nightmares, but queer dreams that leave much to be interepreted. Sometimes the dreams are so interesting that i try to continue the dream for as long as i can. I lie in bed trying to go back to sleep. Sometimes i try to search for answers in the dreams when i wake, what did the dream mean? I fear having to wake up and knowing that the dream doesnt exist here in the real world. Not that the dreams are of paradise or of something thats really happy but somehow they are just surreal, pleasant. Funny thing is sometimes the dream is so vivid, so real but the moment you get up and wash your face, you cant remember a single thing anymore. But every night i am grateful i can escape once again to the world of dreams and knowing for that 7 hours or so they are the happiest times of the day.

Maybe thats why they call dreams dreams, you can chase them, you can think of them, but u can never understand them, you can never live in them.

The Fear of Lizard

2008-10-09T23:02:00.001-07:00

Quote: "Work late at night, got to face all this fear of LIZARD. Now theres 2 of them! I can hear them moving around in the dustbin when i play the piano."

Lolrus. How come i never see any lizard. I think these lizards can sense fear.

Office of Career Services(OCS) PLEASE STOP SPAMMING ME. I know you have my cell phone number but please dont happy happy sms me and KEEP REMINDING ME to go for my career talk after i signed up for it. I get 2 smses everyday to remind me to go for the event. WHAT IS THIS MAN. On on another note with the economy so bad you can almost sense the desperation of OCS in making every single one of us go for these events and i think its working, because im going cos they sent that first sms to my phone.

Ok time to go for the event.

巴黎鐵塔

2008-10-08T06:52:00.000-07:00

In light of the recent political events in the US,

Officially in the midst of midterm break and i still have yet to get down to anything really productive and im listening to a lot more chinese songs than usual. Somehow chinese songwriters are able to convey emotions and thoughts in songs much more than english writers, not sure if its just the language or that chinese people are way more emo than the usual english pop stuff you hear on radio's nowadays. Nevertheless, its improving my chinese i think since i cant understand half the song by listening to it im always looking at the lyrics and going to google translate. Not sure why i can be bothered anyway considering my previous lack of enthusiasm for the language anyway.

Recently been listening to 胡彥斌 reccomended by kay key am im quite instantly a fan. Well, especially this song.

On another note eva asks me to stop listening to this type of song sometimes i feel she has a point. 3 ways to deal with things, either drown in sadness till it becomes so normal, act or at least try to be happy and one day you will believe it, or drown yourself in work of course. Or it could be just as simple as waiting for a long time and one day you will wake up and be free from whatever plagues your mind.

Well, i've started this running thing which involves running to pungol jetty in the middle of the night and its fast becoming one of my favourite places to just sit there. Pretty long distance in to the jetty but its quite peaceful just to watch the lights of the malaysian port reflect their orange and white lights on the still sea. Bad thing is that going there and back takes almost 2 hours counting the time stoning at the jetty. The wind is good and with a good dose of music on its quite therapeutic. Somedays there are a couple of people fishing there, somedays there are people like me standing there all alone who knows whats on their mind, somedays theres a couple there wrapped up in each others arms and well somedays theres me there in my running attire plugged in my ipod staring into space listening to the wind.

On one of my wanderings of the mind i thought of something i wouldnt mind doing for a long time. I thought of opening a smooth jazz bar/cafe next to the sea. Lack of ambition? Maybe. Just the thought of it makes me relaxed and if i didnt need to think about making money its probably something i would do anyway. Listening to the smooth tunes of saxaphone, piano, guitar just leads me to a state of relaxation especially when accompanied with a dose of sea breeze, moonlight reflecting of the water. Brings my mind back to croatia where i saw the most beautiful view of the moonlight on the almost perfectly still sea to a backdrop of millions of stars.

Been asked to write a 1500 word paper entitled - Why i want to be a writer. My paper ends with these lines which someone commented was quite drama.

Just as writing is an act of creation, sometimes it comforts me that I create, when within me, I’m destroyed.

For me, that’s the reason why I write.

I wish i never had to write this paper.

Cant concentrate at all

2008-10-05T05:40:00.000-07:00

I finally understand how much you loved me.

I hate myself that i put you through that.

I hope you are feeling better now, because i'm not.

I cant imagine the pain you felt when i said those words.

I can only hope you will move on and find someone who deserves you as much as you deserve him.

I am sorry i cant be that person.

I am sorry i cant take back the words i said.

I know how it feels like to love someone and not get anything in return

the 3 years spent with you were happy ones.

Dont know when i'll ever be ok again.

I search for answers everywhere but there are none to be found yet.

过往温柔已经被时间上锁
只剩挥散不去的难过

Concentrate damn it.

Seriously, office politics.

2008-10-03T11:27:00.000-07:00

Today something interesting happened. I came back home and mom talked office politics with me. First of all i think office politics is about some people EQ damn low and some people dont know how to sit back and chill. I mean seriously if your boss come and niao you about taking a half day leave on the spot with an email but still approves of it then why get so pissed off about the whole thing? Why not just take it and leave it? NO. cannot must reply and say thank you and cook up some story about urgent leave and then get so worked up about it. Then boss reply say takecare and then now you also reply telling her to takecare too while cursing and saying shes a hypocrite. Freaking nonsense man. If i just dont talk so much say THANK YOU AH then go for your leave la. Seriously. Cant wait for office politics 101 when i start work man. woohoo.

ok i should be sleeping rise and shine at 8.30 tmr. ouch.

Midterm Break

2008-10-02T09:55:00.000-07:00

O Glorious mid term break.

Where shall we travel to? Sail the high seas, laze on the beach, eat and shop,or see the autumn leaves fall?

Alas, no money.

Ok just finished my one and only mid term today and i am so sick of EDA been studying that damn thing for the last one week. Now to focus on the projects and the other subjects. Theres a church wedding on saturday for Joceyln and its the first of my friends getting married. Its a sign im getting old. Nevertheless the thing about weddings that you have to attend without parents is that.... YOU have to pao ang pow. Sian. Especially when you are a student.

Nevertheless, congratulations Jocelyn. Have a blessed marriage!

I think im gonna sleep early tonight. Guten nacht.

2008-10-01T19:45:00.000-07:00

EDA Midterm at 3.30pm, now blogging, watched 2 episodes of heroes last night. Speaking of heroes, the Mohinder is really wtf.

But as always i need something to get me going in the morning, its extremely difficult for me to pick up my books in the morning other than days when i have exams first thing in the morning of course. Next week is term break and damn i wish i was going somewhere out of town but as of now nothing has materialised due to low financial resources. Then again i've done nothing really significant or worked extraordinarily hard this semester so far to deserve a trip yet.

Couple of days ago i learnt an important lesson, and one that i probably should have learnt long ago, which is to know when to shut up.

Ok this blog post has served its purpose of waking me up. Blog again later.

Poetic Justice

2008-09-24T21:26:00.000-07:00

Smile for me

Oblivious to all in your own world
Radiant smile absorbed
Explain to me the source
Wonder and fascination
Stare I must
You must know the secret
Exchanges of secret symbols
No one can comprehend
Can I learn to smile that way?

Lost Forever

Feel.

Can’t remember anything of the past
Struggle and fight the demons
Bring the images
Bring the sensations
Bring the feelings
Bring them back

I don’t know if I want to.

Close my eyes
Too painful to think
Too sharp to touch
Too clear to see
Sinking heart

Stop.
Memory is better this way

Wrote both of them in yesterday morning under the duress of handing in 5 poems by the end of this week. Nevertheless both of them were inspired by real events.