"Desperately"

For more reasons than one, i feel compelled to pick up the pen and begin to write again. It seems strange to me that how blog that started out so...innocently has turned into a strange outlet for the outpouring of a soul. The fleeting images of azure blue skies come back to me, wind whistling in my ear, the grass on the base of my neck. The clouds shapeshift and drift, as i peer nonchalantly nestled among the field.

The last time i revisited this place was months ago, almost four months of absence from the freedom of the thoughts on paper. Nevertheless, thoughts penned down can be a whole lot more dangerous than thoughts expressed in speech. There is something about the written word that keeps the emotions alive of the writer even after many years. I know this after looking back at some of the previous posts I have written. The dangerous part of writing comes when you write something you don't really mean, much like the random callous thought that you blurt out which you never really intended for.

I watched a random obscure movie on the tv last night called - Derailed. Probably not one of those blockbusters but interesting nonetheless. At the heart of the movie in my opinion is power of emotional blackmail, or rather how a team of criminals utilized it to unravel this man's life through his own temptation or dissatisfaction with the state of his life. The tale is told backwards, explaining how the man lands up in jail for seven years, for murdering someone - specifically one of the crooks after he discovers he was cheated. Nevertheless, the point that hit me during the movie was that the guilt in this man's life after the incident drove him to do the most ridiculous things, even going against the things he was working for - all his life. Upon discovering the huge farce created by the crooks in the show, he went berserk. Eventually, turning him into the villain.

Guilt destroys us from the inside out, even if we are not exactly responsible whatever mishaps that occur. The failure of a parent to prevent his son from being a decent human being, the failure of a child to stop his parents from being divorced. Whatever the guilt, whether real or imaginary, in the eyes of the host, becomes all encompassing. The responsibility for the predicament is casted upon the host and is internalized, until the person chooses to disconnect from this guilt.

Today, if guilt is the game in question, then i'm playing a dangerous game here. In my head, the guilt is real. What exactly do those three words mean? I torment and think about the possibilities. I know at least in my own head that the reasons are clear for such things. I remember again, the words that i uttered during the dark night of the soul. Today more than ever, i bury my head in my hands and ask the same question that i did on that fateful night.

Even now, the words echo in my head, like the endless replaying of a tape on loop. ----Don't give up on

As i write, i realize that i grow more weary by the minute. I can no longer even think about what drove me to write in the first place.

Perhaps, you may be reading this. I do not have an answer to my own question.

back from the shower.

I thought about those 3 words again. They haunt me, they beg me to delve deeper into their meaning. Superfluously constructed thoughts expressed in abstract sense, beckon me to explore the true meaning behind the words and their underlying motivation. They gnaw at my heart. bits and pieces flaking away from a heart that gathered the broken bits once too many times before. I digress, vivid visualizations getting the better of me. I explore the reason behind my disturbance in my soul, probing carefully in dark corners. Feelings of failure wash over me, perhaps this might be it. Perhaps, i have been too callous, too insensitive. perhaps.

I had a post months ago, which contained but one phrase. Perhaps, the pauper can never be a prince. My soul wrestles with God, hoping the answer will be an easy one. In fact, i can hear an answer - but it is not an easy road either.

I have to sleep now, but i secretly fear the dreams.